Somedays really suck and you don't know why.

Other days are fantastic and you know exactly why.

Two days ago, at the beach, and yesterday, I was MASSIVELY depressed. Honestly, I have NO idea why. Nothing really bad happened. I was thinking about a tragic memory a lot more because my grandmother and therapist had both brought it up, but that was all. Then again this tragic memory is such a big part of what made me who I am, who I was, who I've always been that maybe that is what made me so depressed. I don't know. Anyways... I was depressed. For no apparent reason.
And I took it out on my friends (I really am sorry about that guys...) and loved ones in general. And it just made my whole day suck no matter how many good things happened.
And I HATE when that happens! I mean, is it clinical depression like my old doctors thought? Or is it just repressed memories and such like Stephanie thinks it is?
No lie, I kind of want it to just be a medical thing. That my serotonin levels are out of whack and I need to take a drug for it. I wish that's what it was.
But in all honesty, Stephanie's probably right. It's probably a ton of repressed memories slightly coming to surface that make random days that should be great suck for no reason.
I just want it to go away.

Anyways... Good days that are great and you know why.
You saw that person, that person that makes you smile, that person who randomly brings pizza and cuddles with you on the couch watching tv. That person who is SO dead tired from trying out for soccer. That person whose face lights up when he talks about how well he was doing that morning, about how his coach was seemed happy with him. That person who tried to convince you (again) that the mismatch plaid really was okay. (It's not. I'm sorry.)

I still have Miss Murder stuck in my head, Paul.

You got to see this person after a few days of minor fights and misunderstandings and general annoyances with each other and you got to have a day where both parties weren't fighting, where they came to an understanding and a compromise and everything was good again.
And (best of all) that person brought freaking pizza and root beer with him when he showed up. Some girls like flowers.... Me.... I'll take pizza and a Jones Soda thanks. (Or a few sips of his Fufu Berry Jones... Just saying.)
You saw that person who makes you smile the moment you hear his car pull up.
And it was fun.
And that, mixed with enough sleep for the first time in days, is more than enough to get you out of your funk and make you smile again.
When your younger sisters show up with the first season of Dinosaurs, well... That's just the icing on top of the cake, isn't it?

I should probably go to bed now. My icing is needing babysitting tomorrow at oneish till twoish and I should probably be conscious.

Summertime...

God... maybe, sometimes, this is as good as life gets. Maybe this will be the happiest time of my life.
When it's summertime and I'm covered in bug bites and smelling slightly of bug spray and sun. Walking around in shorts and tee shirts with no school and very few actually important responsibilities (that you kind of forget about and slack on anyways because, well, hey, it's summer isn't it?). When I'm holding hands and playing on swings and giving kisses goodnight. When I'm munching on salt and vinegar chips at 1:30 in the morning writing about whatever random stuff I'm thinking. When the beach is actually not freezing. When my mosquito bite healer stuff is used more than my stress related acne remover stuff.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.

That idea kind of scares me. But at the same time, if this was as good as my life got, if it stayed at this level of awesome for forever, I'd be so happy....
Who knows. I'll just have to see what else life brings won't I?

New Blog Site.

I'm still using and checking this, but in case you didn't get the memo on Facebook, I'm here now. :]

I'm sorry, this became your business when?

Okay, this is the problem with social networking sites!! (she posts on a social networking site. xD) Everything is out for everyone to see. Maybe it's none of your business what I do when it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form!
Maybe you can shut up and at least listen to the whole story on both sides before making your judgment. But then again, who are you to pass judgment at all? Isn't it only God who can pass judgment on us sinners?
Okay, yeah, I fucked up. Does this mean you need to shove it in my face. Maybe I'm dealing with a lot of my own stuff based around that huge mistake I made and don't need you to shove it in my face. Maybe if you even knew me, you'd know it was a good thing for everyone involved. That there was a loveless relationship and a way too complicated one that needed to be ended and two people benefited from the situation instead of all four sitting around being miserable. Maybe the only reason the relationships even existed in the first place was because somebody cried the first time it ended. Maybe it was never working in the first place. Maybe I found somebody I click with perfectly, more than I've ever clicked with anybody. Maybe If you were in my situation you would have done the same thing.
Maybe if you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't think twice about any of this.
Maybe you'd trust my judgment and know that I feel like shit about hurting people.
Maybe you'd know that I beat myself up about it every day.
Maybe you'd know I deserve something good and simple and happy for once in my life.

Smiles.

Maybe it's weird.
But the hickey on my chest makes me smile. It's like a reminder it wasn't a dream. That the bliss I felt wasn't pretend.

It's like a bit from a romance movie.... Before the cast all die....

Yesterday, I woke up at noon, showered, threw on clothes, and cleaned my room until Paul got here... With a rose. So I'm sitting on my back porch, spraying my necklace silver again with metallic spray paint and he walks up (looking adorable, I might add, wearing a plaid button up and navy shorts) (a plaid button up I'm now wearing with a rose in his hand and that goofy smile on his face I love and I just kind of melt.
I throw my arms around him and smile and kiss him about a million times and generally freak out at how amazingly cute and romantic this whole thing is. All I'm thinking is "Where have you been my whole life?" Apparently I said it outloud because he replied "I was just thinking the same thing." And I lean forward and kiss him again and again. Then I remember we're going to pick up Lucy in a little bit and I take his hand and we go into the house and I put the flowers in a vase and just kind of smile at it and him until I finally tear my eyes away long enough to check the time. We have half an hour before we need to go over to Lucy's and grab her for lunch at the Coney Shop. We sat on the couch and cuddled and kissed and talked and it was so sweet and so cute.
And when we left to get Lucy, he held my hand when he wasn't shifting gears (it's a stick shift, so that's actually kind of awesome. Tuesday he'd asked me if it made me sad not holding his hand when he drove and I was like "Well... kinda." So he did. While joking about how he was going to teach me to shift the gears with my other hand so we could actually just drive and hold hands.) and we listened to music we both liked (a first for both of us, his ex was all about pop, mine was all about instrumental rock with no fucking words) and we sang along with the words and talked about my mom because we passed her work.
We picked up Lucy and got milkshakes and fries at the shop, then we dropped her off at the Civic and went back to my house and, um... Had a little bit of fun (or a lot a bit. ;P). Then we straightened his hair, because my grandma got home and I wanted to see what it'd look like (an emo kid, but it didn't last long, thank God) and we headed over to his house for dinner and to play with his sister's baby. (His sister = Kat. The baby = Harper. Kat's fiance = Jerrod.)
Harper was SUPER cute and adorable. We played with my bracelets for over half an hour before dinner. We had mexican, it was really, really, really good. And Kat made cookies (I told her I'd babysit anytime she wanted if she'd feed me cookies. She said they weren't her best batch and they made my mouth water. I love this girl.) and Jerrod and Paul and I played video games until ten, when Kat was like "Go! Go home and get back and sleep!" (She's really funny and was doing all these elaborate hand gestures and a ridiculous voice when she said it.) So we walked out to his car, holding hands, and got in and I kissed him (because I hadn't been able to kiss him the whole time we were there) and we drove to the park by my house, fooled around, and then went and swung on the swings in the pouring rain and I was singing The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and he gave me a piggy back ride. Honestly, the whole day was like something out of a romantic comedy.
I loved it. I can't wait until I hang out with him again.

Writing site I was talking about earlier

I know right? I actually made it and actually posted stuff.
You can probably read the majority of the stuff me and Lucy write on there. It's not Lucy's in any way shape or form, but we're half-way writing a book together and it's got good writing. Lalalala more about my day later.