Somedays really suck and you don't know why.

Other days are fantastic and you know exactly why.

Two days ago, at the beach, and yesterday, I was MASSIVELY depressed. Honestly, I have NO idea why. Nothing really bad happened. I was thinking about a tragic memory a lot more because my grandmother and therapist had both brought it up, but that was all. Then again this tragic memory is such a big part of what made me who I am, who I was, who I've always been that maybe that is what made me so depressed. I don't know. Anyways... I was depressed. For no apparent reason.
And I took it out on my friends (I really am sorry about that guys...) and loved ones in general. And it just made my whole day suck no matter how many good things happened.
And I HATE when that happens! I mean, is it clinical depression like my old doctors thought? Or is it just repressed memories and such like Stephanie thinks it is?
No lie, I kind of want it to just be a medical thing. That my serotonin levels are out of whack and I need to take a drug for it. I wish that's what it was.
But in all honesty, Stephanie's probably right. It's probably a ton of repressed memories slightly coming to surface that make random days that should be great suck for no reason.
I just want it to go away.

Anyways... Good days that are great and you know why.
You saw that person, that person that makes you smile, that person who randomly brings pizza and cuddles with you on the couch watching tv. That person who is SO dead tired from trying out for soccer. That person whose face lights up when he talks about how well he was doing that morning, about how his coach was seemed happy with him. That person who tried to convince you (again) that the mismatch plaid really was okay. (It's not. I'm sorry.)

I still have Miss Murder stuck in my head, Paul.

You got to see this person after a few days of minor fights and misunderstandings and general annoyances with each other and you got to have a day where both parties weren't fighting, where they came to an understanding and a compromise and everything was good again.
And (best of all) that person brought freaking pizza and root beer with him when he showed up. Some girls like flowers.... Me.... I'll take pizza and a Jones Soda thanks. (Or a few sips of his Fufu Berry Jones... Just saying.)
You saw that person who makes you smile the moment you hear his car pull up.
And it was fun.
And that, mixed with enough sleep for the first time in days, is more than enough to get you out of your funk and make you smile again.
When your younger sisters show up with the first season of Dinosaurs, well... That's just the icing on top of the cake, isn't it?

I should probably go to bed now. My icing is needing babysitting tomorrow at oneish till twoish and I should probably be conscious.

Summertime...

God... maybe, sometimes, this is as good as life gets. Maybe this will be the happiest time of my life.
When it's summertime and I'm covered in bug bites and smelling slightly of bug spray and sun. Walking around in shorts and tee shirts with no school and very few actually important responsibilities (that you kind of forget about and slack on anyways because, well, hey, it's summer isn't it?). When I'm holding hands and playing on swings and giving kisses goodnight. When I'm munching on salt and vinegar chips at 1:30 in the morning writing about whatever random stuff I'm thinking. When the beach is actually not freezing. When my mosquito bite healer stuff is used more than my stress related acne remover stuff.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.

That idea kind of scares me. But at the same time, if this was as good as my life got, if it stayed at this level of awesome for forever, I'd be so happy....
Who knows. I'll just have to see what else life brings won't I?

New Blog Site.

I'm still using and checking this, but in case you didn't get the memo on Facebook, I'm here now. :]

I'm sorry, this became your business when?

Okay, this is the problem with social networking sites!! (she posts on a social networking site. xD) Everything is out for everyone to see. Maybe it's none of your business what I do when it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form!
Maybe you can shut up and at least listen to the whole story on both sides before making your judgment. But then again, who are you to pass judgment at all? Isn't it only God who can pass judgment on us sinners?
Okay, yeah, I fucked up. Does this mean you need to shove it in my face. Maybe I'm dealing with a lot of my own stuff based around that huge mistake I made and don't need you to shove it in my face. Maybe if you even knew me, you'd know it was a good thing for everyone involved. That there was a loveless relationship and a way too complicated one that needed to be ended and two people benefited from the situation instead of all four sitting around being miserable. Maybe the only reason the relationships even existed in the first place was because somebody cried the first time it ended. Maybe it was never working in the first place. Maybe I found somebody I click with perfectly, more than I've ever clicked with anybody. Maybe If you were in my situation you would have done the same thing.
Maybe if you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't think twice about any of this.
Maybe you'd trust my judgment and know that I feel like shit about hurting people.
Maybe you'd know that I beat myself up about it every day.
Maybe you'd know I deserve something good and simple and happy for once in my life.

Smiles.

Maybe it's weird.
But the hickey on my chest makes me smile. It's like a reminder it wasn't a dream. That the bliss I felt wasn't pretend.

It's like a bit from a romance movie.... Before the cast all die....

Yesterday, I woke up at noon, showered, threw on clothes, and cleaned my room until Paul got here... With a rose. So I'm sitting on my back porch, spraying my necklace silver again with metallic spray paint and he walks up (looking adorable, I might add, wearing a plaid button up and navy shorts) (a plaid button up I'm now wearing with a rose in his hand and that goofy smile on his face I love and I just kind of melt.
I throw my arms around him and smile and kiss him about a million times and generally freak out at how amazingly cute and romantic this whole thing is. All I'm thinking is "Where have you been my whole life?" Apparently I said it outloud because he replied "I was just thinking the same thing." And I lean forward and kiss him again and again. Then I remember we're going to pick up Lucy in a little bit and I take his hand and we go into the house and I put the flowers in a vase and just kind of smile at it and him until I finally tear my eyes away long enough to check the time. We have half an hour before we need to go over to Lucy's and grab her for lunch at the Coney Shop. We sat on the couch and cuddled and kissed and talked and it was so sweet and so cute.
And when we left to get Lucy, he held my hand when he wasn't shifting gears (it's a stick shift, so that's actually kind of awesome. Tuesday he'd asked me if it made me sad not holding his hand when he drove and I was like "Well... kinda." So he did. While joking about how he was going to teach me to shift the gears with my other hand so we could actually just drive and hold hands.) and we listened to music we both liked (a first for both of us, his ex was all about pop, mine was all about instrumental rock with no fucking words) and we sang along with the words and talked about my mom because we passed her work.
We picked up Lucy and got milkshakes and fries at the shop, then we dropped her off at the Civic and went back to my house and, um... Had a little bit of fun (or a lot a bit. ;P). Then we straightened his hair, because my grandma got home and I wanted to see what it'd look like (an emo kid, but it didn't last long, thank God) and we headed over to his house for dinner and to play with his sister's baby. (His sister = Kat. The baby = Harper. Kat's fiance = Jerrod.)
Harper was SUPER cute and adorable. We played with my bracelets for over half an hour before dinner. We had mexican, it was really, really, really good. And Kat made cookies (I told her I'd babysit anytime she wanted if she'd feed me cookies. She said they weren't her best batch and they made my mouth water. I love this girl.) and Jerrod and Paul and I played video games until ten, when Kat was like "Go! Go home and get back and sleep!" (She's really funny and was doing all these elaborate hand gestures and a ridiculous voice when she said it.) So we walked out to his car, holding hands, and got in and I kissed him (because I hadn't been able to kiss him the whole time we were there) and we drove to the park by my house, fooled around, and then went and swung on the swings in the pouring rain and I was singing The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and he gave me a piggy back ride. Honestly, the whole day was like something out of a romantic comedy.
I loved it. I can't wait until I hang out with him again.

Writing site I was talking about earlier

I know right? I actually made it and actually posted stuff.
You can probably read the majority of the stuff me and Lucy write on there. It's not Lucy's in any way shape or form, but we're half-way writing a book together and it's got good writing. Lalalala more about my day later.

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while...

But life has been good.

I'm gonna start a new blog (linked to this one!) for my writing and such. That one will not have a link to this one, however, as I do not want people to read this one and I do want people to read that one. Well, people beyond who I give this link to or who I follow on Blogger. They can read it ALL THEY WANT.

Yesyes. I think I will do that now.
I just needed a short little post before I went to therapy.

It's really hot outside, and I have to walk. Goddamnit.

Sooo... A lot happened since this morning....

First off.... I cried ten separate times (give or take one or two). And I was talking to Lucy about my being so miserable and I was out in the country. I was texting Sam all day too.
While being out in the middle of nowhere with your Nana while not getting any radio reception for anything but some scary Christian station that was preaching hellfire and brimstone (which was turned off) is rather boring, it's also a good time to think.
The conclusion I came to: I fucked up. The whole time we were driving I was thinking about Sam. My mind was replaying driving in the car with him, the way he'd kiss my forehead at red lights and the look on his face when he was driving, and me, him, Nuri, and Joe jamming to Bohemian Rhapsody on the way back from Taco Bell.... I thought about the look of total concentration he'd get when working on a 3D project and how when we were watching a movie he'd already seen he'd watch my face more than he'd watch the movie and laugh about how I got sUUper into movies. Or about how when we watched Sherlock Holmes he offered up his hands so I didn't have to watch the piggies get cut in half.
And I missed him. And I curled up in the backseat and cried. And then I texted him. And then... I was talking to Lucy and I told her how I was feeling, and she doesn't like me and Sam... Honestly, she doesn't. She thinks I can do better. But she encouraged me to do what I wanted and what I thought was best. And so... I asked Sam if I could call him when I could get some privacy and I'd facebook messaged him earlier in the day about going to see Toy Story 3. So I called and I said "Okay... I'm gonna ramble for a little while, and I need you to listen, because it's not going to make sense until I'm done." And I told him how I left because I do this thing where I get scared and I leave before they can hurt me and I make things that are really little and don't bother me a huge deal or I just make things up in general. And I told him how I missed him, and how much I'd been crying and how whenever I heard/said/thought his name or about him I would lose the ability to breathe for a minute and my chest would get tight and I'd feel like throwing up. I told him everything. EVERYTHING. And he said... "Well, I got your message about Toy Story, we could go from thee and see what happens?" And I danced in my seat. I really did. I was so happy. I was laughing and smiling and I hadn't done something like that in almost a week. I couldn't even speak for a minute I was so happy.
I swear to GOD I am NOT going to do this to him EVER again. No. He's too good and too important and too nice and too wonderful for that. Lordie. I need to remind myself of that everyday. It doesn't just matter how I feel... it matters, but how he feels matters too. And next time I feel afraid, I... I need to talk to him instead of running away. I NEED to. Because I can't hurt him, or myself, like that ever again and even think I'm going to be able to be forgiven. I won't be like my dad. I won't do that.

Christmas.

Okay, okay, I know... It's July 1st. What am I doing updating about Christmas? Well... I've been watching bones and I just finished the Christmas episode and it's made me think about Christmas.
I've never liked Christmas. There's always been so much stress and arguing and freaking out around it that I've just never been able to enjoy it. Most Christmas's the only good thing was Christmas morning when our eyes were gazed over and sleepy, Mom sipped her coffee and smiled, and we opened presents and played with them. The entire before and after was awful.
I think this Christmas was the best in some ways.... but definitely the worst in others.
When I woke up (around nine) on Christmas morning, my grandma was downstairs, sipping coffee in her PJs. There were presents under the tree, something I didn't really expect and hadn't known would be there. It was all things I'd wanted and nothing I'd asked for. I hadn't asked for anything this Christmas. After we opened presents, we got dressed and went over to my uncle's. He'd gotten a few presents, one of them being Super Mario Brothers 8 for the Wii and we played that all day. I shopped online with the gift cards and money I'd gotten, we laughed and ate Christmas dinner. It... it was wonderful.
But while all that was happening, my mom was at home with my sisters opening their presents without me. My mom wasn't even speaking to me Christmas morning. I couldn't even call and say "Merry Christmas!" to all my sisters.
I hate Christmas. I really do.

"You're like the sister I always wanted and never admitted I did."

Tonight started off fabulously. I went to Modeling and did great, met Nuri and Chris downtown, ran into Pagiel and a bunch of other people... Twas fabulous. I taught Nuri to swing dance, I flirted and laughed and had boys talk about me and how they wanted me.
I taught Nuri to swing dance and learned a few new tricks. Chris was flipping me around like nobody's business. It was a fantastic time.
Then on the car ride home, Nuri told me something that I'm not willing to post on the internet or tell anyone. It's not their business, it's his. It made me seriously question him and kind of killed the night for a while.
I was texting him until I gathered my thoughts, and then called him. We talked for a long while (we actually just got off the phone at 1:47) and.... While I feel better in general, I felt my long-held hopes and dreams of him ever wanting me when he said, "You're like the sister I always wanted and never admitted I did."
I guess.... I guess after he said what he'd said that dream was kind of crushed anyways. I guess what I told him the other night is still true. "I want the you that isn't you. I want a photocopy of you so I can keep you." I'd now white out some of that photocopy, but... Same basic image. It's like photoshopping something: You keep the idea but make it better. At least, I do. I just make my pictures better. They are the same image though.
I guess.... I don't know. I guess I just want.... I want a movie romance.
If I were writing a movie about this.... Nuri would have done what he did different and I would have been there and... I don't know. Anyways.
I... I'm going to be single.
I'm going to be SINGLE.
For at least six months. I need to. For me. Random kisses and the occasional date that means nothing don't count. But what I mean is... If I have a serious like, I'm going to go so slow with it that it's barely moving. If I met a guy of my dreams tomorrow, I would wait two months to kiss him. I'm not going to do this thing I keep doing where I jump into relationships and everything fizzles out. I'm going to go slow. I'm going to relax.

Goal: Relax.

Gotta Agree With Jenna

Boys are stupid.
But..... they are also there to kiss and, um, other things.
Is that pathetic? The thing I miss most about Sam is that he was freaking awesome at that stuff. When it came to the more sexual aspects of the relationship... whoa.
I love kisses. I love fooling around.
I hate that I'm not getting it.

And refound feelings for a good friend suck too. Because of his whole deal with Allison and Kaleigh. I mean, K is bad for him, so is A. I'm good for him, but he'll need time after this whole mess to get himself okay so he can handle another relationship. Which means even if I am single and so is he, I can't very well do much about it. Plus..... Sam is one of his friends. Soo.... It's not cool to go after a friend of the ex. I don't want to feel this way about him... But I do.
Fuck balls Nuri, why must you be cute and good looking and easy to talk to and so easy to trust? Why must I be going swing dancing with you later? Why am going to ask you to hang out with me and Lucy at her house after Swing? Why? Because your cute and nice and funny and caring and I've wanted to be the girl on your arm since we were freshmen.
Fuck this shit.
Fuck it over and over and over again.

Ahhh well.
Back to Library work. By that I mean, I need to stop bitching about this and do something. But I can't do anything. If I want him... I need to wait. Can I wait? Can I deal with being single and wanting someone who I need to wait for? Who knows. I don't do single well. I'm going to try. He's.... He's worth it. More than worth it.
What I said to him the other night was true. "I can't be with you because if we were together it would go one of two ways: (1) it would be great, we'd get married, be together till we die. (2) It'd be awful, there'd be a huge messy breakup and I'd loose you like this... As my friend." Only now... I don't seem to care about loosing him as my friend. Maybe that's just because he's unavailable or because He's comfortable to sit on and made me stop crying yesterday.
I'm such a slut.

My adventures in a Casino.

Okay... Story I told my grandmother about the trip: nothing very eventful happened, work was fun, the people were crazy, I loved Jess and Allan, the rides were boring, and I made Allan pretend to be my boyfriend when weirdos hit on me.
All of that but the first part was true.

Cast of this story:
Jess - One cool chick. She's 19, brown hair, really skinny with impossibly big boobs, completely addicted to her cell phone, and really, really, really funny.
Allan - Sexy beast. Also 19, black hair, tall and muscularly, total sweetheart, and generally very fun to be around.
Ray - I think he's 20. He's pretty. Funny but quiet, very dry sense of humor, bad boy.
Jay - 23. Blond, charming, tall, muscular, kind of annoying, very self centered, but funny.
Sabina - 16. Stupid, beautiful, I don't like her.
Adalisa - 14. Beautiful, even more stupid, really annoying and whiny with a tendancy to insult you without any reasoning or logic. (I mean, she called me fat. xD I was like "What?" And half of what she said was "cunt".)
Guy who's name I can't remember - I don't know how old he was. But he was nerdy and funny. We got into an argument over video games. Turns out hanging out with gamers makes you extremely smart in the ways of the games.
LC - our "boss." He seemed way too close to Sabina for comfort and was generally just weird. But he left me alone and told me I did great, so I was all good.

On the way there we blared music and napped and none of us really talked much.
We stopped at Big Boy for lunch/breakfast and me and the guys downed, like, two plates each at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet they have while the girls I was with munched on grapes and half a muffin. The guys all kind of gained a respect for me. Ray and Allan both started looking at me different (which we'll get into later).
We got back on the road and about an hour before we got there it started raining and we were all like "WHAT THE FUCK IT'S RAINING UP HERE?! BITCHES!" after this bonding moment (and many jokes about how I was sliding all over the backseat because I refused to put on my seat belt and every time we turned I'd run into either Jess or Allan who were on either side of me) we spun off the road. Like the car I was in spun off the road. Nobody was hurt, and honestly, it was kind of fun.... His tire is dead, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage.
That kinda made me, Ray, Jess, and Allan all get tighter as we laughed over the ridiculousness of having spun off the road and fairly constantly made fun of LC for spinning us off.

We got to our hotel, which was beautiful, and it had a pool and Wifi. Jess and I instantly declared we were sharing one of the beds because NEITHER of us wanted to be closer to the annoying blondies than we absolutely needed to. (Later that night we actually locked them out for an hour and said we'd been over in the guys room just for peace and quiet.) We all got ready and chilled around for about half an hour until we needed to leave for the job. Friday that was from 4-8 and we had to stand around, in the rain, handing out free samples and coupons for Frozen Strawberry Lemonades from McDonald's. "Hi! Would you like to try a free frozen strawberry lemonade from McDonalds? How many calories? I don't fucking know I'm just here to smile!" I was under a huge umbrella with Ray and Allan, which was really fun. We all kind of just talked, and guessed the years of the cars going by. When I told them I was 16, both of their jaws fell and you could see in their eyes that the hopes they'd both had of getting into my pants that night were gone. When we got off work we went back to the hotel and into the hot tub for a while (all 8 of us) and Allan's mind started a debate you could see. I can honestly say, I was kinda like "If I were single...."
After that we all got out and got cleaned up and drove to some Mom and Pop pub where we ate this completely delicious meal. The service sucked and there was no atmosphere, but it was awesome food with good people, so we were all set. The epic war of rock, paper, scissors began then. Turns out, Jess CAN'T WIN. Which is really funny.
We got back, changed clothes and decided to hit the casino (the one thing to do at night) most of us girls were under 19, but they let us in anyways. I won $7.50 on the slots and was Allan's good luck charm all night (i.e. we stuck together so weirdos didn't hit on me and he won $40 more than he came with). At the end of the night, as we were getting ready to leave, Sabina had almost a full Smirnoff Ice and we had to drink it all before we left. She was taking these baby sips and the shuttle was going to be there in ten minutes. So I stole it from her and chugged the entire thing down. That gained me some SERIOUS respect points.
We went back to the hotel around 2 and us girls crashed in the boys room playing BS and poker and drinking beer until 4:30ish. We got locked out of our room, as Sabina had the key and had magically disappeared...... So we had to bother the sweet old man at the front desk to let us in (Okay, I had to bother the sweet old man. I was the only one who could pretend to be innocent after a couple drinks and no sleep.) Finally we crashed.
We woke up at 9, got ready, and did the McDonald's job again (this time in the sunshine) we stopped at Subway and drove back home. Allan was reading a mini bible in the front, which I found odd and adorable at the same time, I was cuddled up in his sweater dozing in the back, and Jessica was sleeping or texting the whole time.

All in all, I had a SHITLOAD of fun and CAN'T WAIT to do it again, even though, I really do miss everybody when I'm gone. :[

For once I can post a romantic moment fantasy that isn't pretend.

Oh God... I swear everyday I'm with him, I fall even more in love. That boy is like... This shining star in my life. Even the little things that bug me (like he absolutely hates sand on him and double checks his silverware to make sure it's clean) aren't that bothersome.

Last night, we got home at about 11:30 after watching Hostile 2. (Not late! I had permission so I wasn't in trouble again. I'm being very careful about getting in trouble.) We sat in his car for like half an hour. We kissed a little and we talked, eventually he was like "Unless you want me to fall asleep on the way home, I gotta get Pulp Fiction and get home, babe." So I sighed and was like "Oh-KAY if you feel you must. :P"
So he waited by his side of the car (because I hate getting my door opened for me. I CAN do it myself!) and held my hand because it was super dark and we walked inside, grabbed the movie, made small talk with my grandma (who was surprisingly still awake) and I walked him out into the back yard and hugged him super tight. He hugged me back and we just kinda stood there for a minute and he was like "I love you." and I told him I loved him too. He kissed the tip of my nose and I smiled. And then there was this battle over him leaving in which I kinda pushed him over by the porch and was like "See? You can't go. You have to stay here, for days and days and for forever really." And that went on until I grabbed him again, just before he was about to leave and asked for my goodnight kiss.
And there was this really long, really passionate, really sweet kiss that made me a little dizzy. And he kissed my forehead (something that makes me melt) and said "That was your goodnight kiss. Now go to bed, love." And he kissed my dog and left. It was generally kind of really fantastic.

English mother fucker! Do you speak it?!

"Does he look like a bitch?"
Needless to say I'm watching Pulp Fiction.

This is just kind of a "what's going on in my head" kind of update.
Sam looks like he should be on the cover of a romance novel after fooling around. Specially Thursday night. He was on top of me, holding me, and his hair was all curly and sexy and loose... I love when his hair is down. Being grounded sucks, but honestly... There are worse punishments for an hour and a half of bliss.
That my grandma doesn't trust me as much now, that's... That's not good. And that I'm not so happy about and I'm gonna try to get that back.... That's really the only thing I think I did wrong was betray her trust. She does too. We talked about it. She said that I'm 16, I'm expected to be stupid and fool around with boys (I wonder what would have happened if I'd been with a girl...) she just didn't expect me to do it in her house when I knew she wouldn't be there.

I miss Sam.
These next couple days are going to be so boring without him. I've been talking to him on the phone and messaging and texting him more than usual. We've been in pretty constant communication.
God... I can't wait for Wednesday. I can't wait for my life to be back.

you can love someone, that doesn't really mean you like them all the time.

ug.
Sam and I are fighting.
Actually fighting.
He's completely obsessed with school and never wants to go anywhere. I want to go to the beach Thursday with a huge group of our friends to celebrate the end of school.
Well Sam wants to do nothing.
He wants to sit at home and study for his ACT SATURDAY and play video games and do nothing.
I find this to be an extremely boring way to celebrate the end of school and am completely convinced that he needs to get some kind of life. Plus I really want to go, it sounds like so much fun and I'm volunteering all summer, so I can't really go out on a random day without a weeks notice so I can get somebody else to cover that shift at the library. I want to do something totally random and spontaneous before I have to work.
You know what?
I'm going.
And I'm drinking.
And he can suck it.

Festival. Day 1.

Aw man, do you have any idea how nice it is to be able to hang out with a male friend you can flirt with, hug, link arms, skip, and just be generally weird with?
So amazing.
James and I had an EPIC time at Festival, needless to say. We made a picture together. :D I think I'm gonna have to photocopy it and make a copy for him, cuz it was way too awesome.

But I did have a moment of weakness, from far away this kid looked like Austin, and he was singing. I just kinda wanted to run up to him kiss him and hug him and be like "I missed you so much!" But when I got up closer, that feeling was gone. He didn't look like Austin up close.

Aw, man. James said the BEST thing. I mean, made my YEAR! He was like "So where did Sam go?" and I'm like "Oh he went to Ryan's to play video games and be all masculine." "So... Wait... He went to video games... Over THIS?!" he said, pointing at me. And he just generally complimented me and was a sweetheart all around. And it was great, because I didn't even slightly worry that he might have actual feelings for me, or I for him. We were just hanging out together. I LOVE being able to juts hang out and hang on and flirt with my male friends without it getting weird. I used to do that with Nuri, but then he started dating Allison and I was going out with Sam and we lost something there. Not necessarily in a bad way. But I lost that.

I want that again. Like a guy best friend I can just hang all over and my boyfriend's okay with it and knows that it's just me being me not me trying to come on to him. A guy I can tell anything to and vice versa without me dating him so that I can bitch to him about who I AM dating and have him give the male perspective. Like a very masculine gay guy. That's what I need.

I hate goodbyes.

I love how goodbyes take twenty minutes at least
I love how you "ban" certain music, but you'll listen to my indie crap.
I love how you hug me tight. I love when you pick me up and spin me around. I've never trusted anyone else enough to do that.
I love the way you look at me like... like I'm special, like I'm good.
I love that you don't take my shit.
I love that shy smile you have.
I love the way your fingers glide across the piano and your eyes close when you're really into it.
I love that your favorite movie is Terminator 2 because you grew up on it.
I love the way that you're honest about not knowing what to do, or what to say, and you'll just say it. You'll just say "I have no idea what to say right now, so... I'm just gonna say (insert random thing here)" or "I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to give you a hug."
I love the way you hold my hand.
I love the way you kiss my forehead.
I love the way you'll listen to me go on and on about Glee and Gossip Girl and just smile like I'm talking about something interesting.
I love the way you'll work on things that don't work with me.
I love looking at your eyes. It's like... I can see exactly what you're thinking in them.
I love how sweet and compassionate and caring you are.
I love that you have a 4.0 and will continue to have a 4.0 despite everything.
I love that you're so strong.
I love everything about you.
I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on, but I have to go to bed.
I love you.
I love you so much.
You're my chocolate cake. You'll never see this. But that's okay. I just needed to say it. <3

Memorial Day, Michigan Adventures, and a nice long weekend.

Yesterday was Memorial Day. Making Friday, Saturday, and Sunday Memorial Day WEEKEND. Which was GREAT. Saturday I went to go see a movie with Brian, Jonah, and Sam. Which was, like, a lot of fun. And we went back to Jonah's and had yummy food and walked up to Blockbuster and got The Jungle Book and went back to watch it. :D

Sunday I kinda lazed around, did a bit of work, watched some movies, etc.

Monday! Monday was awesome!! Monday I went to the mall with Sam, Joseph, Nuri, and Chris where I was the female pimp with my male escorts. Lol. We wandered around and I shoplifted a lot of stuff and it was just all around great. They wouldn't let us into Kick Ass, which SUCKED, but that's okay because we went back to Sam's and watched Harold and Kumar (best movie ever!) and Allison came over and we had pizza and went in the hot tub. :D <3 Which was great. When we got out it was pretty much time for everyone to leave, so we all took off, Sam and I dropping Joe off and stopping by Lucy's to get my cardigan.
Then we went home... To find that my house was empty. The tomfoolery started almost instantly. And have I mentioned Sam has the hands of a sex god? To reward him, he got a little bit of oral, which is a lot more pleasurable to give to him than to my ex even though he's... um... Larger. By quite a bit.
Anyways, we fooled around till we both hit peak, then we cuddled on my bed and talked about dreams... When we grow up what do we want our lives to be like. They're not different. I mean, if this lasts, that wouldn't be an issue. We both want to be married with a kid or two in a house or apartment with lots of room (he doesn't care where, but I would like to live in Manhattan or Chicago or something) and enough money that we're on top of it all and can pretty well provide for everyone. He wants to make video games, I want to be a child psychologist. I want a yellow kitchen and he said he's always loved yellow kitchens. Something about a kitchen makes me think that it should be yellow.

But that was heavenly. And today we went to Michigan's Adventure's for a "Physics Trip" which was actually the Junior's reward for taking the MME/ACT/whatever else we took and passing AYP. It was so fun. I came in late, did nothing while I was AT school for all of forty five minutes, then went to the bus to go. took an hour to get up there and we went on like five rides, ate lunch, then hit the water park.
Have I mentioned Sam looks yummy in a swimsuit? He does. We did so much shit in the water park and Sam made me jealous by touching his tongue to his nose (I can't and always thought it was way cool) so I spat my tongue out at him and he wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear "For your tongue being so short, it sure can do amazing things." and I was like... *kisses* I've never actually been complimented on my kissing. I figured I was a good kisser, but I've never been told so that I can remember. Well, other than by Sam. Compliments are always a big thing with me. Every time I get one I'm all super surprised.
Anyways, water slides, roller coasters, root beer floats, and back on the bus where Sam was an uncooperative pillow. :P He kept moving, cuz he was sleeping too. And school buses are not the comfiest place to sleep.
And then he stayed with me until my grandma got there, simply because I asked, even though he wanted to go home. (I was falling asleep still and didn't want some crazy person coming and attacking me or something cuz I passed out on the red bench by school.)
I didn't get sunburnt either! :D
Mmmmm.... Today was so great.
I have the best boyfriend ever.
My lips are really red. What is up with that?

Something needs to give me hope.

I've been pretty much isolated for three days. I can count the people I've seen on one hand. Oh no, wait, Mom stopped by with soup. I need six fingers.
I mean, I've talked to people who I haven't seen. I called Hannah and have been in almost constant communication with Sam. But... I feel so isolated.
So completely alone.
God. I hate being sick.

And I just read a GMH about a father daughter dance. And it made me cry a little. I'll never get a father daughter dance and whenever I'm at a wedding or something and they have one, I start crying. I go and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

I'm afraid that when I'm 20 I'm going to have affairs with older men. I don't know why. I just am.

I'm so not over my ex. I miss him and I when we were good. When we were good, we were SO good. And as far as sexual things went, we were so on the same page. Same with emotional stuff. I could be like "This happened today," and if we were good at the time, he'd know exactly what to say.
On Facebook he's married to some chick. I'm doubting their actually together, but still. I kind of... Idk.

I feel bad now.

Two days off sounds good... But it's not.

http://www.givesmehope.com/

^ new favorite website. Check it out.

Okay, on to recent events.
(a) I've been sick the past two days, like stay home sick, but not feeling well for about a week before that, and I'm finally starting to feel better after days and days of cold medicine.
(b) I wasn't there and my English teacher gave me the group I wanted for our final unit.
(c) I'm cat-sitting for a friend of Nana's and getting $45 to do it. I mean, all I have to do is walk four blocks, feed and play with kitties, and remember to lock up when I'm done. How cool is that?
(d) I got 100% on my English test on Macbeth.
(e) I finally uploaded all 25 CDs from the library and need to go pick up my holds.
(f) Wednesday was awesome.

Wednesday:
Sam came over after school and helped with work. We did actually get like work done. All of Macbeth Act V, some Physics, etc. But mostly we fooled around and watched movies and cuddled and hung out and stuff. It was so awesome. <3

All in all I'm just happy to be feeling better and glad that it's the weekend. :D

I'm getting better, right?

I cried last night. Not a lot. Just little tears right before I went to bed. I was thinking about Michael almost all day. It amazes me that life keeps going on. For everyone. I don't know... I feel weird. I'm tired.

if you've never felt beautiful, then something is wrong.

Last year I dated a boy named Jose. My best friend, Lucy, gave him the website my blog was on (with names changed so random strangers couldn't understand it, in fact, if he'd just stumbled upon it, he wouldn't know it was me) in an attempt (before we started dating) to convince him that I actually liked him. Well problem with that was, I posted very, very, very secret stuff there, and nobody ever told me he'd had it.
We're talking stuff I didn't want him to know until I felt okay just telling him. Stuff that I posted online because I'm not so great at writing journals, I always forget or something, but typing is a whole other story and the only computer I had at home was shared and my files were searched weekly to make sure I wasn't "getting into trouble."
Yeah.
This makes sense because I was wondering why I didn't post the link to my blog on Facebook. I was like "Well, you know, it's not like it'd cause any harm!" Only I've said bad things about my mother, my friends, and wishes that my boyfriend cannot fulfill. Would you want to share that with the world?
Needless to say, Lucy and I aren't friends anymore. Her above action seems to me a good enough explanation. That's how she was all the time. With everything.

I have to get to school.

Virginity, the woes of a hopeless romantic, and church.

Okay, let's start this off with something I've been wondering about for a while. Virginity. What's the big deal? In every culture since the begining of forever virginity has had this huge thing. And not usually with boys, but sometimes with them too, it is ALWAYS this huge effing deal with girls!
Is it the idea of purity? Is it that virgins are something that no man has ever had before and therefore they all want? Is it the ignorance, the naivety?
I don't know. It confuses me.

Hopeless Romantics for the second topic.
I'm a self proclaimed hopeless romantic. Note the emphasis on "hopeless." I have this fear that I'll never actually be fully happy in a relationship. I always want more. I always want those gestures you see in movies, where the leading man stops dead in his tracks and stares at our heroine with his mouth slightly open trying to find words for how beautiful she looks. I want the cute little note next to my coffee that says "I love you, have a nice day." I want the look of concern and soft kiss when I look like I'm having a bad day. I want magic. I want cinema. I want something beyond reality. I want what's in my imagination. I want tradition. I want.... I want something that's probably completely unobtainable. That's not saying that I'm not happy with what I have, my God, I am so blessed with having Sam, I am so lucky to have someone who's that sweet and kind and loving and honest and open and funny and smart. And I love him dearly. I just... I feel bad. Because I want more.

Church.
I love church. I love the music, I love my pastor, I love the sermons. I can kinda sleep through the parts that don't involve that, the prayers and bits from the Bible and all that. I can ignore it. I do ignore it. But then the choir processes in from the back of the church with the sweet, sweet sound they bring, the booming baritones, the floating sopranos, the tenners and altos giving the music the meat and the basses flawlessly harmonizing. Oh dear God, I love it. I feel God around me in that moment more than I do almost ever. My whole being is wrapped up in this wonderful noise flying straight to the heavens for all the angels to hear. I love the music.
And my pastor and his sermons are amazing. Today was about Revelations and how it's not this whole "end of the world" thing that all the crazy right wings think it is. It was saying that Revelations was a story, it was saying the Anti-Christ was whoever was in power in an unjust, unChrist-like way. It was saying that it was a story that forever would be told and true, ever relevant until Heaven came to earth and God reigned over all. It was amazing. Including references to Star Trek and how John wrote revelations with the same idea as the creator of Star Trek, they weren't talking about things that could be bad such as how awful Rome was, or discrimination and race, they were talking about monsters and green and purple people from outerspace. They talked about how Dr. Seuss was discussing Hitler in much the same fashion with one of his books. They talked about Captain Barbosa from Pirates of the Carribean and him telling Ms. Swan that she'd better believe in ghost stories, because she was in one.
It was amazing. It was beautiful.

Story/book?

So I'm thinking about writing this story that may or may not get really long. Okay, no, it will get really long, I'm just not sure HOW long.
Plot: Band starts, two girls and two guys, kinda friends but not super tight, playing in the garage, all written from the perspective of the female lead singer. Well their guitarist finds them a gig at a local cafe for the summer, and they steadily start getting more and more popular until they become something of local celebrities. As the school year is about to start up again, our main character's senior year, a record guy comes and wants them to be the headliner for an upandcoming indie group and have them record an album. They go on the tour, and as they start to become famous, their drummer and bassist up and quit. The bassist got preggers by a groupie she slept with and the drummer didn't want to get famous, he just wanted to fuck around and play instruments. Well their manager says she can go solo, or she can end it all. If she goes solo, he'll get the guitarist set up with a different band. She goes solo.

Main character:
Name: Penelope Nash.
DOB: 9/27/93
Hair Color: Dark brown with purple bangs.
Eye color: the left eye is dark brown, the right eye is light blue.
Height: 5'7
Weight: 135 lbs.

Guitarist:
Name: Derrick Grafton
DOB: 5/10/92
Hair Color: (naturally) Blond. (dyed) bright green.
Eye Color: Bright Blue
Height: 6'5
Weight: 162 lbs.

Bassist:
Name: Rita Joesph
DOB: 10/10/94
Hair Color: Bright Red
Eye Color: Green
Height: 5'2
Weight: 134 lbs.

Drummer:
Name: Joshua Jennings
DOB: 8/5/93
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Greenish Blue
Height: 5'10
Weight: 123 lbs.

Let's play catch up real quick.

I realized there's a lot I haven't been posting and want to today.

Prom night:
Amazing. Freaking amazing. Sam is a surprisingly good dancer, for one, it looked beautiful, and the whole dance was just great. iHop was alright, nothing spectacular, nothing awful. It was fun. *shrug* But when we got back to my house (at like, 1:30 a.m.) we got the furthest we've ever gotten. And by a lot too. It was everything I'd been waiting for, and so good. I mean, we're talking climbing into the backseat good. It was amazing. No details online, but it was great.

Bauer Family Drama:
My cousin killed himself. He'd had the whole thing planned out. It was just this huge fuck you to everyone in his life. He loaded all sixteen of Papa Melinn's guns and shot himself while driving their car. It was....... It was bad.
My grandma on that side has cancer. Again, apparently, I didn't know about it the first time.
My aunt over there had a heart attack. We all think it's drugs.

Personal Accomplishments:
I got a new laptop and my iPod works now :D

All in all, it's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of Sam. He went with me to the visitation. And he's been... He's been so great. Honestly, I love him so much. He's so unbelievably perfect for me. Like honestly, there are very few people I can say I would happily sit and watch Tron with. But if he was there, I'd watch every minute if he wanted me to as long as I could be with him. And it's so effortlessly simplistic, an understanding that "I love you and you love me and we don't need to make a fuss over it." It's exactly what I want and what I need. And, god, that boy... He's so sweet and funny and smart and... The only bad part about him is that he's really judgmental and really quick to make said judgment. But even that isn't super bad and he's not like set in stone about it. And he's not an ass about it.

High School Girls

Okay, so I think I have this down to a science. There are pretty much 5 personality types: Brain, Quiet Girl, Popular Nice, Popular Mean, and Party Girl.

Brain: She's the one who always raises her hand in class, is obnoxious about knowing every answer, and you just generally want to smack. She makes everyone else feel completely moronic and has no kind of social skills. I'm not saying the others aren't smart, she's just annoying about it and voted most likely to succeed with a 5.0, a zillion volunteer hours in every field, all the right extracurriculars, etc. She hangs out with other Brains and Quiet Girls. Maybe A Party Girl that she's known for forever.

Quiet Girl: She's the one who's all artsy, sitting in the back reading or drawing or writing. Nobody really notices her until she's publishing a book or the director of a movie. She hangs out with other Quiet Girls and Party Girls if she hangs out with anyone in school.

Popular Nice: She's that beautiful girl all the boys wanna tap and all the girls wish they could hate, and her niceness actually makes her approachable. She's the one who would help you pick up your books if you fell down the stairs, the one who slides you a tampon in the girl's bathroom when you realize you're out and compliments your outfit when you look like you're having a bad day. She's so well loved that she's super popular. Hangs out with everybody her best friend is most likely to be a Popular Mean Girl.

Popular Mean: Queen Bitch. She's the one who is a pretty bitch and knows exactly what biting comment to say to make you shut up. Everyone hates her, but everyone wants to be her and tap that, so she gets to get away with murder. Her old on the teachers helps quite a bit. She hangs out with The General Popular Crowd.

Party Girl: You know who I'm talking about, she knows where to get the good weed, how to get booze underage, where to get the fake ID, and exactly what party is when. Nobody really likes her because she gets drunk a lot and sleeps around, but everybody puts up with her because of her insane ability to make even the dullest get together a raging drunk fest with loud ass music and lots of dancing and sex and drugs of any type. She hangs out with everyone but the Brains.

I'm a Nice Popular. I used to be a Popular Mean/Party Girl. All high school girl interactions are based off of this. There are subcategories of course, but these are the basics.

Michael

My cousin killed himself yesterday. He'd turned 18 on April 13th. I found out this morning.
When we were little, we looked like twins, acted like it too. We were inseperable until we were about six and seven. He was a year and a few months older than me.
His life was hellish. He didn't really ever know his dad, his mom and Blake, the man who acted as his father and fathered his siblings, were forever breaking up and getting back together. I think they got married two or three times. His mom was an alchie and a slut and his dad had some anger issues. He was so neglected, a difficult kid to begin with, and left to fend for himself.
God... We were like siblings until I was ten and my dad moved to Texas.
And now he's gone.

I've been in this totally surreal state all day. I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream.
But I'm not going to wake up, and this isn't a bad dream. This is life and this is now. And now is that my cousin is dead. He's a year and a few months older than me and dead.
And he's not coming back.
Ever.
And I've cried so much today... I haven't cried this much all at once since my dad went to Texas when I was starting the sixth grade.

And the funeral means I have to see him too.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

He looked at her like she'd been slapped, then went to walk away. She herself was stunned by what she'd said and stayed standing, thinking she deserved to loose him after this. "Wait!" She found herself shouted, running down the long hallway to catch up with him, he kept walking. "Wait! I'm sorry!" She reached him, standing in front of him and grabbed him. She looked into his bright blue eyes, the ones that always caught her off guard if she wasn't careful, the ones that betrayed any emotion he was trying to hide, the ones that she knew like the back of her hand. Hell, she knew those eyes better than the back of her hand.
"I'm sorry," she said again, her eyes begining to fill with tears. "I'm so sorry. I'm crazy. I know I am. But you knew that long before you got involved in this mess. You knew I was crazy. I mean, goddamn, fucking everyone knows I'm crazy! I'm crazy and weird and I panic a lot and I yell for no reason and I can't seem to say what I want to say when I want to say it without something going completely and utterly wrong. But let me say what I want right now, because, shit, everything is completely and utterly wrong right now!" A few tears threatened to burst from her eyes, but the calm gaze he had, the understanding, the love, that was begining to come over him kept them in and kept her calm enough to say what she had to say.
"I love you. I love you. I don't know why, shit, logic completely defies the idea. You're so quiet and so calculated and so in control and then I'm so loud and expressive and passionate and way too emotional all the time. And I don't mean half of what I say when I'm angry and I apologize way too much for things I should never have said or done, but I try so hard to be good for you. I want so badly to be good to you. I don't know if I'm ever going to be perfect," she stepped closer to him and wrapped her hands in his as she said this, a few tears falling down her cheeks. "But... I'm trying. I don't know what is going on with you at any given moment. And it's weird for me, so my head jumps to conclusions that have nothing to do with fact. I'm so used to saying exactly what I think when I think it almost always and having everyone close to me know what I'm thinking and knowing the same about everyone else. I'm so used to sitting on park benches for hours talking to people. And this is probably my fault just as much as yours, if not more. But please, please, please, please can we forget I ever said half of what I just said, all the crazy paranoid bullshit that just came out of my mouth and go out and watch a movie and talk in your car and be okay?"
A small smile played on his lips and he reached down to kiss her.
"On one condition." he said, pretending to look serious.
"Anything."
"You have to give me warning next time you're going to insult me. I need to brace myself. Really ruins a guys' pride." She laughed.
"Promise."

I've caught the Apple bug.

You know that thing where someone gets an iPod/phone/whatever and they're suddenly obsessed.
Yeah.
I got that.
I downloaded 92 videos for the three podcasts I love and have spent the better part of today converting all my music to iTunes.
All 'cause I got an iPod. xD
I wish I could say that it sucked and I hated it. But I'd be lying if I did and I don't lie.

Going out with Sam today. Prom shopping tomorrow. I'm in a fairly awesome mood. I'll probably get my docking cable so I can work my iPod tomorrow.
All in all, I'm a lot happier than I've been in a while.

Why is your profile picture still the one I took of you?

Sarah collapsed into the grass, letting the feeling of the morning dew cool her sweating face. Her best friend, Leah, danced in a circle beside her. How the hell was she so damned peppy after running eight miles? Who knows.

I don't know. Little idea that popped into my head while I was at the park watching all the runners.
My ex boyfriend still has this picture I took of him as his profile picture. It's my favorite picture of him. Everytime I see him update his status on Facebook I feel a twinge of love. We didn't end cuz we were bad, we ended because we were so far apart. There was no "I FUCKING HATE YOU!" to it. It was just... "I can't do this anymore." Don't get me wrong, I love Sam and I'm so happy with him. And everything with him is so simple in a way that Austin never was. But... With Austin... There was this.... I want to say it's passion, but it was more than that. It was this hunger. That's the best way to describe it. It was this hunger for him, for his body, for his mind for his soul, and it wasn't one-sided, he had it for me too...
And now he's insisting on contacting me.
All the fucking time.
I can't talk to him and not want him.
Why can't he just go away?

Because I'm too depressed to be original.

Cried in my fifth hour. That says it all. I never cry. Anyone who knows me well knows that if I'm crying it's because something is so seriously wrong. Well now it's not really one thing, it's just everything. I'm crashing.

It's funny, cuz I read Brian's thing about two seconds ago, and when I looked in the mirror this morning I decided I was going to something about body image or anorexia.
Seriously, when I was in the seventh grade, I would commonly go two or three days without eating anything more than gum and celery. I'd tell my mom I hate at Rushell/Lonika/Anne/Alissah/Tom/Whoever's house because I wasn't getting home until 7 or 8 at which point they'd already eaten.
Freshman year, I skipped more meals then I ate, at least... After everything with Mark I did. I was doing fine at the begining of my freshman year. Then... everything and I wasn't. I never ate breakfast or lunch. Ever. I couldn't hold down most food that I did eat for a couple months. God... The whole week of the trial I ate two meals that I couldn't keep down. When I found out I didn't have to testify my grandmother took me out to lunch at Olive Garden, my all time favorite restaurant, and I only ate half of my meal and had to run to the bathroom and upchuck the rest. I took it home though and tried to eat it again for dinner, and it didn't stay. I gave up for a few days after that and would munch on a very little bit of potato or something.
This took a toll on my body.
My whole body is covered with this thin fuzzy hair that I shave once a week, and my rips stick out no matter how much I weigh and I gain weight in weird places now (like the sides of my back are where all my fat is), my spine is a series of knobs that make me look like an alien and I don't know if my baby fat in my face is ever going away because of this. I can't keep up a normal diet, I don't know if the anorexia or my ridiculously fast metabolism is the reason. (Seriously, when I mean ridiculous, I mean ridiculous. I had to take weight GAIN pills until I was ten to slow it down so I could grow right, and I was technically supposed to be in a booster seat until the end of the sixth grade because I didn't weigh 90 lbs.)
My hair used to fall out ten times more than a normal person. It would come out in clumps when I was at my worst, like a cancer patient. I cut my hair really short to make it less noticable.
Once or twice I passed out. Fortunately, because I was usually in my room and both times were at home, everyone just thought I was sleeping so I didn't have to go to the hospital.

I still remembered what I saw in the mirror: this really awkward and tall looking thing with fat thighs and a stomach that was huge and I didn't even get the big boobs to go with it. My hair was too blond and my eyes were too big and my lips were always chapped and I was too pale and hair was stringy and people were always looked at me wondering how I could stand to look at myself in the mirror, silently begging me to go inside and out of their line of vision.
I don't understand how I thought this now. Looking back I was beautiful. I had these big hazel eyes that were usually brown and I was tall and thin and my hair was long and shiny and I never got split ends, I was bony but it looked okay on me, I was healthy looking until sometime in the middle of the sixth grade when I decided I wasn't pretty.
I only just started to look healthy again towards the end of last year weight wise, and skin-tone wise I'm only just now starting to not look like I'm sickly white. (Thank you sun!)
It's taken me forever to recover from three years of mistreating my body.
And I'm still not there yet.

My cell phone magically died.

So... Today... Yeah. Woke up, made coffee, read my book, fucked around on Facebook, cleaned my room, organized my closet, got rid of all the Goodwill shit that's been in my closet for forever, took a shower, got ready, tried on my prom dress, had my grandma pin it to start the getting-it-taken-in process (something about having long legs, boobs, a butt, and a tiny waist makes dress makers hate you and never make things in your size without adjustments) I did my makeup a new way and it looked fantastic, my hair looked good, my clothes were all pretty...
Then I went to look at houses with my mom and her fiance, whom I hate, my sisters (who still live with them), my grandma who is their realtor, and her fiance's mom. Well her fiance has this whole idea that four year olds are actually capable of listening for more than two seconds and that the more you yell at something the better it listens. Well needless to say after the fifth time he screamed at my four year old sister, I was ready to punch him. I wanted to scream. I was so pissed. I already hate him and that's only part of the reason. We go to the next house and it's no better. I just want to scream my head off and I can't because the kids are around. Mind you my mother letting him is NOT helping.
So we go from there to the next house, which is just as bad. I give my sisters kisses goodbye before they go and don't say a word to my mother or Ryan, though I doubt they noticed.

Then I go to a BPO (broker price estimate) with my grandma. Which is in White Cloud. We get lost and drive around for about an hour before finding this place by sheer dumb luck.
It was annoying.

And at this point I pull my phone out of my pocket and realize the screen is broken and I can't see ANYTHING on it. WONDERFUL. REALLY. I was so pissed.

I just kind of hate today. I don't want tomorrow to happen. But it has to. And tomorrow means I get to see Sam. So... win? Sure win. Idk.

Gay Blog

So Brian's thing about being gay made me want to write this up. I was starting a blog anyways, and this is almost always on my mind.
My family doesn't know I'm bisexual. My grandmother has flat out said that she believes that if a person is bisexual, they're in the process of coming out as full on gay. Well, I know that's wrong.
And I'm just as attracted to women as I am to men, but I'm more likely to be in a boy-girl relationship than a girl-girl relationship. Why? Because all the girls I want to fuck are straight. I mean, honestly, I daydream about kissing my friend Pagiel all the time. I wonder exactly what it would feel like to have her soft, round lips against mine almost everytime I see her.

When I was in the eighth grade, I spent the night at my best friend, Rushell's house. I'd realized at this point that I was desperately in love and lust with her, but I hadn't told anyone else. She fell asleep before I did (which was a rarity) and I was sitting there watching her sleep. She called my name out, and I thought she might be awake, but she was just sleep talking. I didn't quite know when she said it though, so I answered "Yeah, baby?" and she said "I love you. Come lay by me." This is when I realized she was sleep talking again, but I did it anyways. And while I was lying there, this fantasy of what would happen if she was awake and I kissed her ran through my head. I leaned down and kissed her neck. She sleep smiled and curled tighter into my arms. At some point, I fell asleep, when I woke up the next morning, she was looking at me and I had her watermellon lipsmackers lipgloss on my lips. And it wasn't because I was wearing it.
I was asleep for my first ever real kiss with a girl.

Big Green Eyes

I was putting on my makeup this morning, (this sounds conceited, I'm sorry, I'm not) and I was (once again) startled by my eyes. They're huge and green, and having actual green eyes is uncommon and there just interesting looking. I love my eyes. But as I was doing this, I wondered how other eyes saw me.
I know my friends see me as a total sucker for kids and puppies and a complete softie who loves almost everyone and really nice to pretty much everyone and makes everyone laugh with my expressive and sarcastic sense of humor.
I know Sam sees me like that too, plus a little more I don't know.
And I know that people I don't know so well see me as this totally hard bitch who'll just as soon slap you as kiss you and knows all the answers in class and makes jokes to her friends that probably seem insulting due to the tone of sarcasm.
I know my mom thinks I'm this selfish bitch who only cares for herself and is out to make her life harder and get in trouble.
I know Ryan thinks the same thing.
My sisters think I'm god. That I can do anything and save them from everything.
My grandma sees... I don't know. I think she sees something similar to my friends or she wouldn't be how she is with me.

I know what so many people see in me, but I don't know what I see in myself. I mean... I'm funny and sarcastic and really expressive. I brag about my friends and siblings and boyfriend beyond the point where most people care. I'm pretty but not stunning. I'm rude sometimes but not usually. I'm brutaly honest.. I know these things. I just don't know the whole it comes out to.
Well, I have to leave and go to school now.
I hate school.

I'm really cold...

my eyes are all sleepy-like.

I'm sitting in my room with two candles lightly burning behind me on the windowsill and my pale blue blanket covering up my shivering feet while my fingers move quickly across the keyboard. I don't really know what to say.
I hate when this happens, my mind is exploding with words and creativity but I have no where to put it, nothing to do with it, nothing in which to channel it.
I'll have words in my head and no story in which to put them, I won't have a plot. So I'll write this scene for a story or a script and have nothing to do with it after that.

She stood outside, letting the cool wind hit her face and the tobacco run through her lungs. She knew it was bad, she knew she should quit, but she didn't. She wouldn't. She'd been smoking since she was 12, there was no point in stopping ten years later. Besides, she reasoned, leaning against the brick wall of the cafe she worked in, it's how I meet people. It was true, when she was 16, standing outside of her favorite dive bar she'd met her best friend. When she was 20, smoking outside the subway, she'd met her boss. It's where she'd met all her best friends, anyone she'd ever dated... It was while smoking on the street outside of wherever she was, was going into, or had just been.

I have a problem.

So I went to the mall today, I ended up getting three swimsuit bottoms (a string, a tie, and boyshorts), a black bikini top, two bracelets, and a makeup bag. Oh, and let's not forget the magazines I walked out of Barnes and Nobles with. It occured to me, when I saw Sam's brothers fiance, Brittany, working in Macy's (where I stole two bottoms and the top from) that it's probably wrong to be doing this. Does it stop me? No. I still took them. I took the magazines after that, too.
And I feel bad, but I reason it with, "I'm fucking broke, we live paycheck to paycheck with so little room for spending money, but if I ask for it, I'll get it. Every single time. And then I feel worse than I do now."
Right? Maybe.
I don't know.

I think it should be Wednesday already. Come Wednesday, I won't have time to think. My sisters are coming over for the day and I'm going to see Sam. I'm thinking Wednesday might bring Third, but who knows?
I want Third and I want it bad. Hell, I just want Sam badly. I don't know what it is about that boy, but emotionally and physically and spirtually, I crave him. I want every single part of him.
How did I not notice him for two years? This confuses me.

Scene? I don't know. Popped into my head.

(Scene: the front porch of a large country mansion, a redheaded girl sits on the steps smiling at the sunset.)
(Blond girl walks out and stands next to the readhead)
Blond: I thought I might find you out here. (Sits down)
Redhead: Yeah, well, I haven't reached the point of self-loathing where I'm going to listen to them say what a failure I am.
Blond: (Looks at Redhead seriously) You're not a failure, Becca.
Becca/Redhead: (Throws head back in laughter) Oh, really? That's rich, Shell. I'm an art major, and have been, for, what? Six years? I barely graduated high school, I can barely pay rent on my waitressing salary. Really, I sound like such a winner. I'm 27 years old and living like a 19 year old from some dirt poor family. Look around, Shelly! I come from a family of millionares! Anything less than perfection is failure.
(Silent)
Becca: I'm going for a drive. (Steps off the porch and leaves stage left. The sounds of a car starting and pulling away.)
Shelly/Blond: Yeah... But... You have me. (Pulls knees up to face and stares at the sunset)

Easter Sunday

The highlight of my Easter was Driving out to Twin Lake, Michigan.
I also got stuck at a family lunch in which my mother talked about her wedding. Her motherfucking wedding to this douche bag, redneck, army man who treats my sisters and me like shit. And my mother is ten years his senior. I just generally hate him.
It was... well it sucked.
But I did get a new camera. I was playing with it in the car on the way to Twin Lake. I took about a zillion pictures.
I don't know, I'm slightly really depressed over seeing my mom and all, and it's making my whole brain mush.

But on the plus side... Last night was amazing. I had this double date with one of my friends and his girlfriend who I'd never met. I didn't really like her, but it was fun cuz Sam was his friend too. We watched Wall-E and some comedy that was really funny, and Sam drove me home. Which is where the great part starts.
We were sitting in the car and I reached up and kissed him, a usual after-date thing. And after a while he pulls away and I'm like "What's up?" and we started talking. For almost an hour, we just sat there and cuddled and talked, and it was so... amazing.

friends?

I have friends, I have quite a few. But it's spring break, most of my friends are going on fun and exciting adventures.
So I feel completely alone.
And, sadly, Sam is probably about a zillion times more social than I am considering that I'm completely content to sit at home all day with my sisters and do nothing in particular.

Seriously, it's the first day of spring break. I sat home with my grandmother and my sisters came over to visit. We went to McDonald's, cleaned, played in the yard, and I watched the entire first season of Gossip Girl in two days.
Am I really that pathetic?
Tomorrow I'm going on a date with my boyfriend and our friend Trevor and his girlfriend. I don't even like Trevor. I mean, I don't like him at all. I tolerate him because he's autistic and my boyfriend and Hannah's friend. But I cannot stand him. I hate being around him for more than twenty minutes and I'm pretty sure that Sam will be the only thing to keep me sane. I haven't even met his girlfriend for more than five seconds. Apparently she never eats, but she's got these curves like whoa. I don't understand it. Anyways...

I love and hate dating a really inexperienced guy. On the one hand, he has a soul (as a person not because he's inexperienced), so he wants to move slow. Which I respect, because he's a good guy and he actually cares about this kind of stuff. On the other hand I want some serious hardcore action. Kisses are amazing. I want the kisses to lead somewhere. They don't have to go all the way. I'm a virgin, I'm not ready to loose that this early in a relationship. But I mean, I want some third base action and I want it soon. I can't really just go up to him and be like "You, me, this couch/bed/car/whatever right now." Because he's not ready and I need to respect that, but it just suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Completely unfair.
He cannot be all argumentative and frustrating and cute and funny and sweet and infuriating and just make me want him so badly and then not let me go anywhere with it.
There has got to be some kind of law against this.

Ha, I'm turning into the female version of the sexist male pigs I hate. Oh, gotta love that! My hormones are deffinately raging and I'm totally ready for him to take advantage of that. THAT'S WHAT BEING A TEENAGER IS ABOUT!!!

Gossip Girl

Spring break began today as the bell rang at 2:15 and we all ran out of our fifth hours like bats out of hell (which with the all-black uniform is actually fairly accurate) and I hopped on a bus home to induldge in some of my favorite Upper East Side drama on Gossip Girl. (I borrowed season 1 from the library.) And as I'm watching Gossip Girl, there's this episode right after Serena returns to New York, it's the fourth in the show, where they're just so best-friendy.
And as this unfolds on my computer screen and I watch, absorbed in their drama, mayhem, beauty, and lavish clothing, I realize....
I'm without a best friend. I have been for a while. Even when I still spoke to Lucy (my previous best friend who was dumped for... well... various reasons. Some of the top including: total selfishness, snobbiness, and feelings of total superiority. She's actually a lot like Blair from the show.) we hadn't been best friends since September. The week after my birthday when my mom kicked me out I stayed with her and her family for two weeks. Everything she said was wrong, and I realized then that she didn't understand me in the least bit. I don't think she ever knew who I actually was. She had this idea of me in her head, kind of like a stranger would, of this you-that-you-pretend-to-be. She believed my too-cool-for-school, nothing affects me, I have no feelings, I'm a cold-hearted bitch act. She accepted it as who I was and was determined to change it instead of seeing that I act like that because I'm miserable, and I hate my family but I still love them so much, and I cry inside pretty constantly, and that I'm already sweet, and caring, and compassionate, and full of love that's just looking for a home. She had been that home.
A year ago today, she called me, sobbing, because she'd overheard her parents talking about getting a divorce. They'd been having problems and they were just discussing it as a possibility. I calmed her down, I reassured her, I said all the right things and they were all true things. By the time we hung up, two hours later, she was laughing.
She'd never once, in our whole friendship, done that for me. Mind you, I cried a lot in our friendship. She came in at a kind of crucial time. Hell, she even caused some of that crying.
After I'd been dumped by my ex, Jose, (who she was good friends with, there was a bit of a foursome going with us, Ruddy, Lucy, Jose, and me. We were always together. Two sets of besties connected by me and Jose's relationship.) she forced us together, even though all I wanted to do was curl up a corner and cry my eyes out while watching chick flicks and complaining about everything that was wrong with him. She made us hang out, like we had been before, because it was convinient for her. Jose went along with it because he still wanted me and he'd made a mistake and wanted to get back together. I went along with it because it was that or go home.
Millions of things like that happened. She was a terrible friend.

But she was my best friend.
And I could tell her everything, even if I didn't like what she said. I could always walk into a room, go up to her, and know I'd have her full attention. If I called to make plans, I'd know I'd be pushed ahead of or dragged along with whatever she'd already had planned.
And I don't have that.
I've never not had that. Not since first grade when everyone was your best friend.
I feel like a part of me is missing because of that. Like somethings... Gone.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I have friends, I have a dozen damn good friends who I can always count on. It's just.... not a BEST friend, not like that.
And I miss it.
I want it back.
I want to stay up late giggling about clothes and hair and shoes and boys.
I want that so bad it hurts.

Sam...

So despite the last few emo posts, there are actually highlights in my life. My personal favorite high point is my boyfriend, Sam.

If we're being frank, he's probably way too responsible and smart and mature and sweet for me. But that's okay, 'cause I'm probably too wild and obnoxious and get into way too much trouble for him.
I don't really totally understand how we work as well as we do, but we do. We're like yin and yang. I'm this like FORCE and he's this like subtlety. We're both probably about as smart and about as brutal. We just come off in totally different ways. He's really shy and really sweet, whereas I'm really forward and really agressive.
But it's this totally weird thing, when we're together there's this click and we both snap into a little less shy and a little less forward into this inbetween place without even thinking about it.

I don't know, that's my little slice of awesome I wanted to share because I have this sudden burst of energy. :]

I made... Honor Roll? You sure? That's my name, all right. WEIRD!

So, obviously, I made honor roll last trimester in my high school. I'm a total slacker so that was actually surprising, weird, and cool. And totally surreal.
Other than that the day pretty much sucked. I cried and had the begining of a panic attack in fourth hour, skipped fifth hour (apparently, we did one of my favorite songs in it too. OF COURSE WE DID!) because of it, called my grandma and told her I was skipping fifth hour (honesty is the best policy in our house. She doesn't really care what I do, as long as she knows about it.), and went home. I was cleaning my room in a nice calm way for a while, then she came home demanding answers and making me call my therapist, Stephanie.
I'm a perfectionist (see last post) and I expect anything I try at to be perfect and I'm not talking by other people's standards, I'm talking about I want them to pass my standards, which is about fifty times more difficult. I'm getting a B in French, Econ, and Physics. I have an A in Rockband (we literally have jam sessions and insult each other all day. the end.), but that class just goes in electives anyways and doesn't do much but make an easy A to improve my GPA with. I have an E in my english class because I got behind on a few things with our RIDICULOUSLY boring book, Things Fall Apart, that I didn't read.
Now, as soon as I get my makeup work in, I'll be up to at least a B. But that's not going to keep me from freaking out. I need to have an A if I'm going to try. It's pointless to try if I'm not going to get an A in EVERYTHING.

But focusing on school the way I am makes it difficult for me to focus on modeling, which doesn't come naturally. It takes effort. I mean, I'm a pretty girl, but that doesn't mean that I'm a good model right off the bat. It takes work mastering your facial expressions and body positions. And I need to be practicing at least a half an hour a day. But I'm not. Why? Because I'm too busy stressing and calming myself down and stressing again because of my lack of straight A's.

And you know what? Stressing about modeling makes me stress about everything. And when I stress about everything I do nothing right. Isn't it great? I'm creating this terrible cycle for myself. (Creating, what am I talking about, I have created this terrible cycle for myself.)

I'm off to do homework and maybe work at breaking (or at least improving) my cycle of perfectionism.
(And I've developed a new taste for Kesha, I never really thought about her before, but I love her. She's so sexist and her music is poppy and angry and lust-filled. If I were a musician, I'd be like her.)

Of course... Of course...

I love how when you don't want to talk to anyone about anything, everyone decides they want to talk to you.

I'm involved in a youth group, which I usually love. Usually I walk out of youth group feeling amazing about myself, life, God, everything. I just feel awesome. Right now though, I feel like shit. I hate everything. I'm so self loathing. I'm wondering how my friends can stand me, how my boyfriend can tolerate kissing me, and I understand why my mom hates me.
Gotta love depression.
Nothing I do is good enough, nothing is right. Everything sucks and nobody loves me.
I know this is ridiculous.
I know that's bullshit.
I know I'm wrong.
Does that keep me from thinking it?
Oh fuck no.

Perfectionism is stupid. And I'm a perfectionist. And a control freak, which is also stupid. The idea of control is completely ridiculous. It's never going to happen, so why do I feel the need to achieve it? I don't know. It's stupid, it's ridiculous, it's impossible.

Shoplifting

My favorite thing to steal is bras. I don't know why. I'll not wear one when I go to the mall or store with the intention of stealing, and I'll go put on one that I like in the dressing room after ripping off the tags.

I remember how I started too. My boyfriend and I were in Claires and I said I liked a necklace, but we'd just spent all of our money on a movie. He goes and puts the necklace between our hands. I was in the eighth grade, and my home life sucked. The only other time I felt a rush that good was when I snuck my best friend into my bedroom because her mom had kicked her out. That's what started it. And now I could stop, but I have no interest in doing so.
Because, honestly, I love it.
There's this adrenline rush you get, the more you take the better it is, the more you want what you take, the better it is. I love it, that feeling. I'll put a hat on my head, a DVD in my purse, a bra on my chest, a tank top under my shirt, new pants in my Old Navy bag.
Even if I have money, I prefer to steal it.
I don't know why.
I just do.
And I love it.

Intro?

I guess this is an intro to me and my blog, which I started because, I don't know, I'm weird like that. I like blogging and diaries and shiz, so I figured, "Hey, I stopped doing Xanga in middle school, why not do this?" I've started a few and deleted them all, but hopefully this one sticks for a while.
...maybe...
I'm 16 and I love my friends, movies, music, and all things vintage. I live with my Grandma and don't talk to my mom much, and my sisters are like my kids. I shoplift a lot cuz I'm poor and I love the rush. I have the best valley girl impression out of anyone I know, including the valley girls, and I tease pretty much everyone.

Recent Movies I've seen:
Sorority Row: Not bad! The whole idea is they kill their sorority sister and then someone (at first it's presumed to be her, not actually dead) comes back to get revenge. They die in amusing ways, and it makes you jump without actually being scary. Plus, there's not really a plot and there are half-naked beautiful people throughout.
The Grudge 3: It didn't suck, but I wouldn't see it again. Another curse is born and the cat kid and grudge girl are creepy.

"Hooker Red makes the world go round!"