I've been pretty much isolated for three days. I can count the people I've seen on one hand. Oh no, wait, Mom stopped by with soup. I need six fingers.
I mean, I've talked to people who I haven't seen. I called Hannah and have been in almost constant communication with Sam. But... I feel so isolated.
So completely alone.
God. I hate being sick.
And I just read a GMH about a father daughter dance. And it made me cry a little. I'll never get a father daughter dance and whenever I'm at a wedding or something and they have one, I start crying. I go and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
I'm afraid that when I'm 20 I'm going to have affairs with older men. I don't know why. I just am.
I'm so not over my ex. I miss him and I when we were good. When we were good, we were SO good. And as far as sexual things went, we were so on the same page. Same with emotional stuff. I could be like "This happened today," and if we were good at the time, he'd know exactly what to say.
On Facebook he's married to some chick. I'm doubting their actually together, but still. I kind of... Idk.
I feel bad now.
I'm so not over my ex. I miss him and I when we were good. When we were good, we were SO good. And as far as sexual things went, we were so on the same page. Same with emotional stuff. I could be like "This happened today," and if we were good at the time, he'd know exactly what to say.
On Facebook he's married to some chick. I'm doubting their actually together, but still. I kind of... Idk.
I feel bad now.
Two days off sounds good... But it's not.
http://www.givesmehope.com/
^ new favorite website. Check it out.
Okay, on to recent events.
(a) I've been sick the past two days, like stay home sick, but not feeling well for about a week before that, and I'm finally starting to feel better after days and days of cold medicine.
(b) I wasn't there and my English teacher gave me the group I wanted for our final unit.
(c) I'm cat-sitting for a friend of Nana's and getting $45 to do it. I mean, all I have to do is walk four blocks, feed and play with kitties, and remember to lock up when I'm done. How cool is that?
(d) I got 100% on my English test on Macbeth.
(e) I finally uploaded all 25 CDs from the library and need to go pick up my holds.
(f) Wednesday was awesome.
Wednesday:
Sam came over after school and helped with work. We did actually get like work done. All of Macbeth Act V, some Physics, etc. But mostly we fooled around and watched movies and cuddled and hung out and stuff. It was so awesome. <3
All in all I'm just happy to be feeling better and glad that it's the weekend. :D
^ new favorite website. Check it out.
Okay, on to recent events.
(a) I've been sick the past two days, like stay home sick, but not feeling well for about a week before that, and I'm finally starting to feel better after days and days of cold medicine.
(b) I wasn't there and my English teacher gave me the group I wanted for our final unit.
(c) I'm cat-sitting for a friend of Nana's and getting $45 to do it. I mean, all I have to do is walk four blocks, feed and play with kitties, and remember to lock up when I'm done. How cool is that?
(d) I got 100% on my English test on Macbeth.
(e) I finally uploaded all 25 CDs from the library and need to go pick up my holds.
(f) Wednesday was awesome.
Wednesday:
Sam came over after school and helped with work. We did actually get like work done. All of Macbeth Act V, some Physics, etc. But mostly we fooled around and watched movies and cuddled and hung out and stuff. It was so awesome. <3
All in all I'm just happy to be feeling better and glad that it's the weekend. :D
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I'm getting better, right?
I cried last night. Not a lot. Just little tears right before I went to bed. I was thinking about Michael almost all day. It amazes me that life keeps going on. For everyone. I don't know... I feel weird. I'm tired.
Monday, May 17, 2010
if you've never felt beautiful, then something is wrong.
Last year I dated a boy named Jose. My best friend, Lucy, gave him the website my blog was on (with names changed so random strangers couldn't understand it, in fact, if he'd just stumbled upon it, he wouldn't know it was me) in an attempt (before we started dating) to convince him that I actually liked him. Well problem with that was, I posted very, very, very secret stuff there, and nobody ever told me he'd had it.
We're talking stuff I didn't want him to know until I felt okay just telling him. Stuff that I posted online because I'm not so great at writing journals, I always forget or something, but typing is a whole other story and the only computer I had at home was shared and my files were searched weekly to make sure I wasn't "getting into trouble."
Yeah.
This makes sense because I was wondering why I didn't post the link to my blog on Facebook. I was like "Well, you know, it's not like it'd cause any harm!" Only I've said bad things about my mother, my friends, and wishes that my boyfriend cannot fulfill. Would you want to share that with the world?
Needless to say, Lucy and I aren't friends anymore. Her above action seems to me a good enough explanation. That's how she was all the time. With everything.
I have to get to school.
We're talking stuff I didn't want him to know until I felt okay just telling him. Stuff that I posted online because I'm not so great at writing journals, I always forget or something, but typing is a whole other story and the only computer I had at home was shared and my files were searched weekly to make sure I wasn't "getting into trouble."
Yeah.
This makes sense because I was wondering why I didn't post the link to my blog on Facebook. I was like "Well, you know, it's not like it'd cause any harm!" Only I've said bad things about my mother, my friends, and wishes that my boyfriend cannot fulfill. Would you want to share that with the world?
Needless to say, Lucy and I aren't friends anymore. Her above action seems to me a good enough explanation. That's how she was all the time. With everything.
I have to get to school.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Virginity, the woes of a hopeless romantic, and church.
Okay, let's start this off with something I've been wondering about for a while. Virginity. What's the big deal? In every culture since the begining of forever virginity has had this huge thing. And not usually with boys, but sometimes with them too, it is ALWAYS this huge effing deal with girls!
Is it the idea of purity? Is it that virgins are something that no man has ever had before and therefore they all want? Is it the ignorance, the naivety?
I don't know. It confuses me.
Hopeless Romantics for the second topic.
I'm a self proclaimed hopeless romantic. Note the emphasis on "hopeless." I have this fear that I'll never actually be fully happy in a relationship. I always want more. I always want those gestures you see in movies, where the leading man stops dead in his tracks and stares at our heroine with his mouth slightly open trying to find words for how beautiful she looks. I want the cute little note next to my coffee that says "I love you, have a nice day." I want the look of concern and soft kiss when I look like I'm having a bad day. I want magic. I want cinema. I want something beyond reality. I want what's in my imagination. I want tradition. I want.... I want something that's probably completely unobtainable. That's not saying that I'm not happy with what I have, my God, I am so blessed with having Sam, I am so lucky to have someone who's that sweet and kind and loving and honest and open and funny and smart. And I love him dearly. I just... I feel bad. Because I want more.
Church.
I love church. I love the music, I love my pastor, I love the sermons. I can kinda sleep through the parts that don't involve that, the prayers and bits from the Bible and all that. I can ignore it. I do ignore it. But then the choir processes in from the back of the church with the sweet, sweet sound they bring, the booming baritones, the floating sopranos, the tenners and altos giving the music the meat and the basses flawlessly harmonizing. Oh dear God, I love it. I feel God around me in that moment more than I do almost ever. My whole being is wrapped up in this wonderful noise flying straight to the heavens for all the angels to hear. I love the music.
And my pastor and his sermons are amazing. Today was about Revelations and how it's not this whole "end of the world" thing that all the crazy right wings think it is. It was saying that Revelations was a story, it was saying the Anti-Christ was whoever was in power in an unjust, unChrist-like way. It was saying that it was a story that forever would be told and true, ever relevant until Heaven came to earth and God reigned over all. It was amazing. Including references to Star Trek and how John wrote revelations with the same idea as the creator of Star Trek, they weren't talking about things that could be bad such as how awful Rome was, or discrimination and race, they were talking about monsters and green and purple people from outerspace. They talked about how Dr. Seuss was discussing Hitler in much the same fashion with one of his books. They talked about Captain Barbosa from Pirates of the Carribean and him telling Ms. Swan that she'd better believe in ghost stories, because she was in one.
It was amazing. It was beautiful.
Is it the idea of purity? Is it that virgins are something that no man has ever had before and therefore they all want? Is it the ignorance, the naivety?
I don't know. It confuses me.
Hopeless Romantics for the second topic.
I'm a self proclaimed hopeless romantic. Note the emphasis on "hopeless." I have this fear that I'll never actually be fully happy in a relationship. I always want more. I always want those gestures you see in movies, where the leading man stops dead in his tracks and stares at our heroine with his mouth slightly open trying to find words for how beautiful she looks. I want the cute little note next to my coffee that says "I love you, have a nice day." I want the look of concern and soft kiss when I look like I'm having a bad day. I want magic. I want cinema. I want something beyond reality. I want what's in my imagination. I want tradition. I want.... I want something that's probably completely unobtainable. That's not saying that I'm not happy with what I have, my God, I am so blessed with having Sam, I am so lucky to have someone who's that sweet and kind and loving and honest and open and funny and smart. And I love him dearly. I just... I feel bad. Because I want more.
Church.
I love church. I love the music, I love my pastor, I love the sermons. I can kinda sleep through the parts that don't involve that, the prayers and bits from the Bible and all that. I can ignore it. I do ignore it. But then the choir processes in from the back of the church with the sweet, sweet sound they bring, the booming baritones, the floating sopranos, the tenners and altos giving the music the meat and the basses flawlessly harmonizing. Oh dear God, I love it. I feel God around me in that moment more than I do almost ever. My whole being is wrapped up in this wonderful noise flying straight to the heavens for all the angels to hear. I love the music.
And my pastor and his sermons are amazing. Today was about Revelations and how it's not this whole "end of the world" thing that all the crazy right wings think it is. It was saying that Revelations was a story, it was saying the Anti-Christ was whoever was in power in an unjust, unChrist-like way. It was saying that it was a story that forever would be told and true, ever relevant until Heaven came to earth and God reigned over all. It was amazing. Including references to Star Trek and how John wrote revelations with the same idea as the creator of Star Trek, they weren't talking about things that could be bad such as how awful Rome was, or discrimination and race, they were talking about monsters and green and purple people from outerspace. They talked about how Dr. Seuss was discussing Hitler in much the same fashion with one of his books. They talked about Captain Barbosa from Pirates of the Carribean and him telling Ms. Swan that she'd better believe in ghost stories, because she was in one.
It was amazing. It was beautiful.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Story/book?
So I'm thinking about writing this story that may or may not get really long. Okay, no, it will get really long, I'm just not sure HOW long.
Plot: Band starts, two girls and two guys, kinda friends but not super tight, playing in the garage, all written from the perspective of the female lead singer. Well their guitarist finds them a gig at a local cafe for the summer, and they steadily start getting more and more popular until they become something of local celebrities. As the school year is about to start up again, our main character's senior year, a record guy comes and wants them to be the headliner for an upandcoming indie group and have them record an album. They go on the tour, and as they start to become famous, their drummer and bassist up and quit. The bassist got preggers by a groupie she slept with and the drummer didn't want to get famous, he just wanted to fuck around and play instruments. Well their manager says she can go solo, or she can end it all. If she goes solo, he'll get the guitarist set up with a different band. She goes solo.
Main character:
Name: Penelope Nash.
DOB: 9/27/93
Hair Color: Dark brown with purple bangs.
Eye color: the left eye is dark brown, the right eye is light blue.
Height: 5'7
Weight: 135 lbs.
Guitarist:
Name: Derrick Grafton
DOB: 5/10/92
Hair Color: (naturally) Blond. (dyed) bright green.
Eye Color: Bright Blue
Height: 6'5
Weight: 162 lbs.
Bassist:
Name: Rita Joesph
DOB: 10/10/94
Hair Color: Bright Red
Eye Color: Green
Height: 5'2
Weight: 134 lbs.
Drummer:
Name: Joshua Jennings
DOB: 8/5/93
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Greenish Blue
Height: 5'10
Weight: 123 lbs.
Plot: Band starts, two girls and two guys, kinda friends but not super tight, playing in the garage, all written from the perspective of the female lead singer. Well their guitarist finds them a gig at a local cafe for the summer, and they steadily start getting more and more popular until they become something of local celebrities. As the school year is about to start up again, our main character's senior year, a record guy comes and wants them to be the headliner for an upandcoming indie group and have them record an album. They go on the tour, and as they start to become famous, their drummer and bassist up and quit. The bassist got preggers by a groupie she slept with and the drummer didn't want to get famous, he just wanted to fuck around and play instruments. Well their manager says she can go solo, or she can end it all. If she goes solo, he'll get the guitarist set up with a different band. She goes solo.
Main character:
Name: Penelope Nash.
DOB: 9/27/93
Hair Color: Dark brown with purple bangs.
Eye color: the left eye is dark brown, the right eye is light blue.
Height: 5'7
Weight: 135 lbs.
Guitarist:
Name: Derrick Grafton
DOB: 5/10/92
Hair Color: (naturally) Blond. (dyed) bright green.
Eye Color: Bright Blue
Height: 6'5
Weight: 162 lbs.
Bassist:
Name: Rita Joesph
DOB: 10/10/94
Hair Color: Bright Red
Eye Color: Green
Height: 5'2
Weight: 134 lbs.
Drummer:
Name: Joshua Jennings
DOB: 8/5/93
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Greenish Blue
Height: 5'10
Weight: 123 lbs.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Let's play catch up real quick.
I realized there's a lot I haven't been posting and want to today.
Prom night:
Amazing. Freaking amazing. Sam is a surprisingly good dancer, for one, it looked beautiful, and the whole dance was just great. iHop was alright, nothing spectacular, nothing awful. It was fun. *shrug* But when we got back to my house (at like, 1:30 a.m.) we got the furthest we've ever gotten. And by a lot too. It was everything I'd been waiting for, and so good. I mean, we're talking climbing into the backseat good. It was amazing. No details online, but it was great.
Bauer Family Drama:
My cousin killed himself. He'd had the whole thing planned out. It was just this huge fuck you to everyone in his life. He loaded all sixteen of Papa Melinn's guns and shot himself while driving their car. It was....... It was bad.
My grandma on that side has cancer. Again, apparently, I didn't know about it the first time.
My aunt over there had a heart attack. We all think it's drugs.
Personal Accomplishments:
I got a new laptop and my iPod works now :D
All in all, it's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of Sam. He went with me to the visitation. And he's been... He's been so great. Honestly, I love him so much. He's so unbelievably perfect for me. Like honestly, there are very few people I can say I would happily sit and watch Tron with. But if he was there, I'd watch every minute if he wanted me to as long as I could be with him. And it's so effortlessly simplistic, an understanding that "I love you and you love me and we don't need to make a fuss over it." It's exactly what I want and what I need. And, god, that boy... He's so sweet and funny and smart and... The only bad part about him is that he's really judgmental and really quick to make said judgment. But even that isn't super bad and he's not like set in stone about it. And he's not an ass about it.
Prom night:
Amazing. Freaking amazing. Sam is a surprisingly good dancer, for one, it looked beautiful, and the whole dance was just great. iHop was alright, nothing spectacular, nothing awful. It was fun. *shrug* But when we got back to my house (at like, 1:30 a.m.) we got the furthest we've ever gotten. And by a lot too. It was everything I'd been waiting for, and so good. I mean, we're talking climbing into the backseat good. It was amazing. No details online, but it was great.
Bauer Family Drama:
My cousin killed himself. He'd had the whole thing planned out. It was just this huge fuck you to everyone in his life. He loaded all sixteen of Papa Melinn's guns and shot himself while driving their car. It was....... It was bad.
My grandma on that side has cancer. Again, apparently, I didn't know about it the first time.
My aunt over there had a heart attack. We all think it's drugs.
Personal Accomplishments:
I got a new laptop and my iPod works now :D
All in all, it's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of Sam. He went with me to the visitation. And he's been... He's been so great. Honestly, I love him so much. He's so unbelievably perfect for me. Like honestly, there are very few people I can say I would happily sit and watch Tron with. But if he was there, I'd watch every minute if he wanted me to as long as I could be with him. And it's so effortlessly simplistic, an understanding that "I love you and you love me and we don't need to make a fuss over it." It's exactly what I want and what I need. And, god, that boy... He's so sweet and funny and smart and... The only bad part about him is that he's really judgmental and really quick to make said judgment. But even that isn't super bad and he's not like set in stone about it. And he's not an ass about it.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
High School Girls
Okay, so I think I have this down to a science. There are pretty much 5 personality types: Brain, Quiet Girl, Popular Nice, Popular Mean, and Party Girl.
Brain: She's the one who always raises her hand in class, is obnoxious about knowing every answer, and you just generally want to smack. She makes everyone else feel completely moronic and has no kind of social skills. I'm not saying the others aren't smart, she's just annoying about it and voted most likely to succeed with a 5.0, a zillion volunteer hours in every field, all the right extracurriculars, etc. She hangs out with other Brains and Quiet Girls. Maybe A Party Girl that she's known for forever.
Quiet Girl: She's the one who's all artsy, sitting in the back reading or drawing or writing. Nobody really notices her until she's publishing a book or the director of a movie. She hangs out with other Quiet Girls and Party Girls if she hangs out with anyone in school.
Popular Nice: She's that beautiful girl all the boys wanna tap and all the girls wish they could hate, and her niceness actually makes her approachable. She's the one who would help you pick up your books if you fell down the stairs, the one who slides you a tampon in the girl's bathroom when you realize you're out and compliments your outfit when you look like you're having a bad day. She's so well loved that she's super popular. Hangs out with everybody her best friend is most likely to be a Popular Mean Girl.
Popular Mean: Queen Bitch. She's the one who is a pretty bitch and knows exactly what biting comment to say to make you shut up. Everyone hates her, but everyone wants to be her and tap that, so she gets to get away with murder. Her old on the teachers helps quite a bit. She hangs out with The General Popular Crowd.
Party Girl: You know who I'm talking about, she knows where to get the good weed, how to get booze underage, where to get the fake ID, and exactly what party is when. Nobody really likes her because she gets drunk a lot and sleeps around, but everybody puts up with her because of her insane ability to make even the dullest get together a raging drunk fest with loud ass music and lots of dancing and sex and drugs of any type. She hangs out with everyone but the Brains.
I'm a Nice Popular. I used to be a Popular Mean/Party Girl. All high school girl interactions are based off of this. There are subcategories of course, but these are the basics.
Brain: She's the one who always raises her hand in class, is obnoxious about knowing every answer, and you just generally want to smack. She makes everyone else feel completely moronic and has no kind of social skills. I'm not saying the others aren't smart, she's just annoying about it and voted most likely to succeed with a 5.0, a zillion volunteer hours in every field, all the right extracurriculars, etc. She hangs out with other Brains and Quiet Girls. Maybe A Party Girl that she's known for forever.
Quiet Girl: She's the one who's all artsy, sitting in the back reading or drawing or writing. Nobody really notices her until she's publishing a book or the director of a movie. She hangs out with other Quiet Girls and Party Girls if she hangs out with anyone in school.
Popular Nice: She's that beautiful girl all the boys wanna tap and all the girls wish they could hate, and her niceness actually makes her approachable. She's the one who would help you pick up your books if you fell down the stairs, the one who slides you a tampon in the girl's bathroom when you realize you're out and compliments your outfit when you look like you're having a bad day. She's so well loved that she's super popular. Hangs out with everybody her best friend is most likely to be a Popular Mean Girl.
Popular Mean: Queen Bitch. She's the one who is a pretty bitch and knows exactly what biting comment to say to make you shut up. Everyone hates her, but everyone wants to be her and tap that, so she gets to get away with murder. Her old on the teachers helps quite a bit. She hangs out with The General Popular Crowd.
Party Girl: You know who I'm talking about, she knows where to get the good weed, how to get booze underage, where to get the fake ID, and exactly what party is when. Nobody really likes her because she gets drunk a lot and sleeps around, but everybody puts up with her because of her insane ability to make even the dullest get together a raging drunk fest with loud ass music and lots of dancing and sex and drugs of any type. She hangs out with everyone but the Brains.
I'm a Nice Popular. I used to be a Popular Mean/Party Girl. All high school girl interactions are based off of this. There are subcategories of course, but these are the basics.
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