Okay, this is the problem with social networking sites!! (she posts on a social networking site. xD) Everything is out for everyone to see. Maybe it's none of your business what I do when it doesn't affect you in any way shape or form!
Maybe you can shut up and at least listen to the whole story on both sides before making your judgment. But then again, who are you to pass judgment at all? Isn't it only God who can pass judgment on us sinners?
Okay, yeah, I fucked up. Does this mean you need to shove it in my face. Maybe I'm dealing with a lot of my own stuff based around that huge mistake I made and don't need you to shove it in my face. Maybe if you even knew me, you'd know it was a good thing for everyone involved. That there was a loveless relationship and a way too complicated one that needed to be ended and two people benefited from the situation instead of all four sitting around being miserable. Maybe the only reason the relationships even existed in the first place was because somebody cried the first time it ended. Maybe it was never working in the first place. Maybe I found somebody I click with perfectly, more than I've ever clicked with anybody. Maybe If you were in my situation you would have done the same thing.
Maybe if you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't think twice about any of this.
Maybe you'd trust my judgment and know that I feel like shit about hurting people.
Maybe you'd know that I beat myself up about it every day.
Maybe you'd know I deserve something good and simple and happy for once in my life.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Smiles.
Maybe it's weird.
But the hickey on my chest makes me smile. It's like a reminder it wasn't a dream. That the bliss I felt wasn't pretend.
But the hickey on my chest makes me smile. It's like a reminder it wasn't a dream. That the bliss I felt wasn't pretend.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
It's like a bit from a romance movie.... Before the cast all die....
Yesterday, I woke up at noon, showered, threw on clothes, and cleaned my room until Paul got here... With a rose. So I'm sitting on my back porch, spraying my necklace silver again with metallic spray paint and he walks up (looking adorable, I might add, wearing a plaid button up and navy shorts) (a plaid button up I'm now wearing with a rose in his hand and that goofy smile on his face I love and I just kind of melt.
I throw my arms around him and smile and kiss him about a million times and generally freak out at how amazingly cute and romantic this whole thing is. All I'm thinking is "Where have you been my whole life?" Apparently I said it outloud because he replied "I was just thinking the same thing." And I lean forward and kiss him again and again. Then I remember we're going to pick up Lucy in a little bit and I take his hand and we go into the house and I put the flowers in a vase and just kind of smile at it and him until I finally tear my eyes away long enough to check the time. We have half an hour before we need to go over to Lucy's and grab her for lunch at the Coney Shop. We sat on the couch and cuddled and kissed and talked and it was so sweet and so cute.
And when we left to get Lucy, he held my hand when he wasn't shifting gears (it's a stick shift, so that's actually kind of awesome. Tuesday he'd asked me if it made me sad not holding his hand when he drove and I was like "Well... kinda." So he did. While joking about how he was going to teach me to shift the gears with my other hand so we could actually just drive and hold hands.) and we listened to music we both liked (a first for both of us, his ex was all about pop, mine was all about instrumental rock with no fucking words) and we sang along with the words and talked about my mom because we passed her work.
We picked up Lucy and got milkshakes and fries at the shop, then we dropped her off at the Civic and went back to my house and, um... Had a little bit of fun (or a lot a bit. ;P). Then we straightened his hair, because my grandma got home and I wanted to see what it'd look like (an emo kid, but it didn't last long, thank God) and we headed over to his house for dinner and to play with his sister's baby. (His sister = Kat. The baby = Harper. Kat's fiance = Jerrod.)
Harper was SUPER cute and adorable. We played with my bracelets for over half an hour before dinner. We had mexican, it was really, really, really good. And Kat made cookies (I told her I'd babysit anytime she wanted if she'd feed me cookies. She said they weren't her best batch and they made my mouth water. I love this girl.) and Jerrod and Paul and I played video games until ten, when Kat was like "Go! Go home and get back and sleep!" (She's really funny and was doing all these elaborate hand gestures and a ridiculous voice when she said it.) So we walked out to his car, holding hands, and got in and I kissed him (because I hadn't been able to kiss him the whole time we were there) and we drove to the park by my house, fooled around, and then went and swung on the swings in the pouring rain and I was singing The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and he gave me a piggy back ride. Honestly, the whole day was like something out of a romantic comedy.
I loved it. I can't wait until I hang out with him again.
I throw my arms around him and smile and kiss him about a million times and generally freak out at how amazingly cute and romantic this whole thing is. All I'm thinking is "Where have you been my whole life?" Apparently I said it outloud because he replied "I was just thinking the same thing." And I lean forward and kiss him again and again. Then I remember we're going to pick up Lucy in a little bit and I take his hand and we go into the house and I put the flowers in a vase and just kind of smile at it and him until I finally tear my eyes away long enough to check the time. We have half an hour before we need to go over to Lucy's and grab her for lunch at the Coney Shop. We sat on the couch and cuddled and kissed and talked and it was so sweet and so cute.
And when we left to get Lucy, he held my hand when he wasn't shifting gears (it's a stick shift, so that's actually kind of awesome. Tuesday he'd asked me if it made me sad not holding his hand when he drove and I was like "Well... kinda." So he did. While joking about how he was going to teach me to shift the gears with my other hand so we could actually just drive and hold hands.) and we listened to music we both liked (a first for both of us, his ex was all about pop, mine was all about instrumental rock with no fucking words) and we sang along with the words and talked about my mom because we passed her work.
We picked up Lucy and got milkshakes and fries at the shop, then we dropped her off at the Civic and went back to my house and, um... Had a little bit of fun (or a lot a bit. ;P). Then we straightened his hair, because my grandma got home and I wanted to see what it'd look like (an emo kid, but it didn't last long, thank God) and we headed over to his house for dinner and to play with his sister's baby. (His sister = Kat. The baby = Harper. Kat's fiance = Jerrod.)
Harper was SUPER cute and adorable. We played with my bracelets for over half an hour before dinner. We had mexican, it was really, really, really good. And Kat made cookies (I told her I'd babysit anytime she wanted if she'd feed me cookies. She said they weren't her best batch and they made my mouth water. I love this girl.) and Jerrod and Paul and I played video games until ten, when Kat was like "Go! Go home and get back and sleep!" (She's really funny and was doing all these elaborate hand gestures and a ridiculous voice when she said it.) So we walked out to his car, holding hands, and got in and I kissed him (because I hadn't been able to kiss him the whole time we were there) and we drove to the park by my house, fooled around, and then went and swung on the swings in the pouring rain and I was singing The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and he gave me a piggy back ride. Honestly, the whole day was like something out of a romantic comedy.
I loved it. I can't wait until I hang out with him again.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Writing site I was talking about earlier
I know right? I actually made it and actually posted stuff.
You can probably read the majority of the stuff me and Lucy write on there. It's not Lucy's in any way shape or form, but we're half-way writing a book together and it's got good writing. Lalalala more about my day later.
I know right? I actually made it and actually posted stuff.
You can probably read the majority of the stuff me and Lucy write on there. It's not Lucy's in any way shape or form, but we're half-way writing a book together and it's got good writing. Lalalala more about my day later.
Sorry, I haven't posted in a while...
But life has been good.
I'm gonna start a new blog (linked to this one!) for my writing and such. That one will not have a link to this one, however, as I do not want people to read this one and I do want people to read that one. Well, people beyond who I give this link to or who I follow on Blogger. They can read it ALL THEY WANT.
Yesyes. I think I will do that now.
I just needed a short little post before I went to therapy.
It's really hot outside, and I have to walk. Goddamnit.
I'm gonna start a new blog (linked to this one!) for my writing and such. That one will not have a link to this one, however, as I do not want people to read this one and I do want people to read that one. Well, people beyond who I give this link to or who I follow on Blogger. They can read it ALL THEY WANT.
Yesyes. I think I will do that now.
I just needed a short little post before I went to therapy.
It's really hot outside, and I have to walk. Goddamnit.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sooo... A lot happened since this morning....
First off.... I cried ten separate times (give or take one or two). And I was talking to Lucy about my being so miserable and I was out in the country. I was texting Sam all day too.
While being out in the middle of nowhere with your Nana while not getting any radio reception for anything but some scary Christian station that was preaching hellfire and brimstone (which was turned off) is rather boring, it's also a good time to think.
The conclusion I came to: I fucked up. The whole time we were driving I was thinking about Sam. My mind was replaying driving in the car with him, the way he'd kiss my forehead at red lights and the look on his face when he was driving, and me, him, Nuri, and Joe jamming to Bohemian Rhapsody on the way back from Taco Bell.... I thought about the look of total concentration he'd get when working on a 3D project and how when we were watching a movie he'd already seen he'd watch my face more than he'd watch the movie and laugh about how I got sUUper into movies. Or about how when we watched Sherlock Holmes he offered up his hands so I didn't have to watch the piggies get cut in half.
And I missed him. And I curled up in the backseat and cried. And then I texted him. And then... I was talking to Lucy and I told her how I was feeling, and she doesn't like me and Sam... Honestly, she doesn't. She thinks I can do better. But she encouraged me to do what I wanted and what I thought was best. And so... I asked Sam if I could call him when I could get some privacy and I'd facebook messaged him earlier in the day about going to see Toy Story 3. So I called and I said "Okay... I'm gonna ramble for a little while, and I need you to listen, because it's not going to make sense until I'm done." And I told him how I left because I do this thing where I get scared and I leave before they can hurt me and I make things that are really little and don't bother me a huge deal or I just make things up in general. And I told him how I missed him, and how much I'd been crying and how whenever I heard/said/thought his name or about him I would lose the ability to breathe for a minute and my chest would get tight and I'd feel like throwing up. I told him everything. EVERYTHING. And he said... "Well, I got your message about Toy Story, we could go from thee and see what happens?" And I danced in my seat. I really did. I was so happy. I was laughing and smiling and I hadn't done something like that in almost a week. I couldn't even speak for a minute I was so happy.
I swear to GOD I am NOT going to do this to him EVER again. No. He's too good and too important and too nice and too wonderful for that. Lordie. I need to remind myself of that everyday. It doesn't just matter how I feel... it matters, but how he feels matters too. And next time I feel afraid, I... I need to talk to him instead of running away. I NEED to. Because I can't hurt him, or myself, like that ever again and even think I'm going to be able to be forgiven. I won't be like my dad. I won't do that.
While being out in the middle of nowhere with your Nana while not getting any radio reception for anything but some scary Christian station that was preaching hellfire and brimstone (which was turned off) is rather boring, it's also a good time to think.
The conclusion I came to: I fucked up. The whole time we were driving I was thinking about Sam. My mind was replaying driving in the car with him, the way he'd kiss my forehead at red lights and the look on his face when he was driving, and me, him, Nuri, and Joe jamming to Bohemian Rhapsody on the way back from Taco Bell.... I thought about the look of total concentration he'd get when working on a 3D project and how when we were watching a movie he'd already seen he'd watch my face more than he'd watch the movie and laugh about how I got sUUper into movies. Or about how when we watched Sherlock Holmes he offered up his hands so I didn't have to watch the piggies get cut in half.
And I missed him. And I curled up in the backseat and cried. And then I texted him. And then... I was talking to Lucy and I told her how I was feeling, and she doesn't like me and Sam... Honestly, she doesn't. She thinks I can do better. But she encouraged me to do what I wanted and what I thought was best. And so... I asked Sam if I could call him when I could get some privacy and I'd facebook messaged him earlier in the day about going to see Toy Story 3. So I called and I said "Okay... I'm gonna ramble for a little while, and I need you to listen, because it's not going to make sense until I'm done." And I told him how I left because I do this thing where I get scared and I leave before they can hurt me and I make things that are really little and don't bother me a huge deal or I just make things up in general. And I told him how I missed him, and how much I'd been crying and how whenever I heard/said/thought his name or about him I would lose the ability to breathe for a minute and my chest would get tight and I'd feel like throwing up. I told him everything. EVERYTHING. And he said... "Well, I got your message about Toy Story, we could go from thee and see what happens?" And I danced in my seat. I really did. I was so happy. I was laughing and smiling and I hadn't done something like that in almost a week. I couldn't even speak for a minute I was so happy.
I swear to GOD I am NOT going to do this to him EVER again. No. He's too good and too important and too nice and too wonderful for that. Lordie. I need to remind myself of that everyday. It doesn't just matter how I feel... it matters, but how he feels matters too. And next time I feel afraid, I... I need to talk to him instead of running away. I NEED to. Because I can't hurt him, or myself, like that ever again and even think I'm going to be able to be forgiven. I won't be like my dad. I won't do that.
Christmas.
Okay, okay, I know... It's July 1st. What am I doing updating about Christmas? Well... I've been watching bones and I just finished the Christmas episode and it's made me think about Christmas.
I've never liked Christmas. There's always been so much stress and arguing and freaking out around it that I've just never been able to enjoy it. Most Christmas's the only good thing was Christmas morning when our eyes were gazed over and sleepy, Mom sipped her coffee and smiled, and we opened presents and played with them. The entire before and after was awful.
I think this Christmas was the best in some ways.... but definitely the worst in others.
When I woke up (around nine) on Christmas morning, my grandma was downstairs, sipping coffee in her PJs. There were presents under the tree, something I didn't really expect and hadn't known would be there. It was all things I'd wanted and nothing I'd asked for. I hadn't asked for anything this Christmas. After we opened presents, we got dressed and went over to my uncle's. He'd gotten a few presents, one of them being Super Mario Brothers 8 for the Wii and we played that all day. I shopped online with the gift cards and money I'd gotten, we laughed and ate Christmas dinner. It... it was wonderful.
But while all that was happening, my mom was at home with my sisters opening their presents without me. My mom wasn't even speaking to me Christmas morning. I couldn't even call and say "Merry Christmas!" to all my sisters.
I hate Christmas. I really do.
I've never liked Christmas. There's always been so much stress and arguing and freaking out around it that I've just never been able to enjoy it. Most Christmas's the only good thing was Christmas morning when our eyes were gazed over and sleepy, Mom sipped her coffee and smiled, and we opened presents and played with them. The entire before and after was awful.
I think this Christmas was the best in some ways.... but definitely the worst in others.
When I woke up (around nine) on Christmas morning, my grandma was downstairs, sipping coffee in her PJs. There were presents under the tree, something I didn't really expect and hadn't known would be there. It was all things I'd wanted and nothing I'd asked for. I hadn't asked for anything this Christmas. After we opened presents, we got dressed and went over to my uncle's. He'd gotten a few presents, one of them being Super Mario Brothers 8 for the Wii and we played that all day. I shopped online with the gift cards and money I'd gotten, we laughed and ate Christmas dinner. It... it was wonderful.
But while all that was happening, my mom was at home with my sisters opening their presents without me. My mom wasn't even speaking to me Christmas morning. I couldn't even call and say "Merry Christmas!" to all my sisters.
I hate Christmas. I really do.
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