So despite the last few emo posts, there are actually highlights in my life. My personal favorite high point is my boyfriend, Sam.
If we're being frank, he's probably way too responsible and smart and mature and sweet for me. But that's okay, 'cause I'm probably too wild and obnoxious and get into way too much trouble for him.
I don't really totally understand how we work as well as we do, but we do. We're like yin and yang. I'm this like FORCE and he's this like subtlety. We're both probably about as smart and about as brutal. We just come off in totally different ways. He's really shy and really sweet, whereas I'm really forward and really agressive.
But it's this totally weird thing, when we're together there's this click and we both snap into a little less shy and a little less forward into this inbetween place without even thinking about it.
I don't know, that's my little slice of awesome I wanted to share because I have this sudden burst of energy. :]
Monday, March 29, 2010
I made... Honor Roll? You sure? That's my name, all right. WEIRD!
So, obviously, I made honor roll last trimester in my high school. I'm a total slacker so that was actually surprising, weird, and cool. And totally surreal.
Other than that the day pretty much sucked. I cried and had the begining of a panic attack in fourth hour, skipped fifth hour (apparently, we did one of my favorite songs in it too. OF COURSE WE DID!) because of it, called my grandma and told her I was skipping fifth hour (honesty is the best policy in our house. She doesn't really care what I do, as long as she knows about it.), and went home. I was cleaning my room in a nice calm way for a while, then she came home demanding answers and making me call my therapist, Stephanie.
I'm a perfectionist (see last post) and I expect anything I try at to be perfect and I'm not talking by other people's standards, I'm talking about I want them to pass my standards, which is about fifty times more difficult. I'm getting a B in French, Econ, and Physics. I have an A in Rockband (we literally have jam sessions and insult each other all day. the end.), but that class just goes in electives anyways and doesn't do much but make an easy A to improve my GPA with. I have an E in my english class because I got behind on a few things with our RIDICULOUSLY boring book, Things Fall Apart, that I didn't read.
Now, as soon as I get my makeup work in, I'll be up to at least a B. But that's not going to keep me from freaking out. I need to have an A if I'm going to try. It's pointless to try if I'm not going to get an A in EVERYTHING.
But focusing on school the way I am makes it difficult for me to focus on modeling, which doesn't come naturally. It takes effort. I mean, I'm a pretty girl, but that doesn't mean that I'm a good model right off the bat. It takes work mastering your facial expressions and body positions. And I need to be practicing at least a half an hour a day. But I'm not. Why? Because I'm too busy stressing and calming myself down and stressing again because of my lack of straight A's.
And you know what? Stressing about modeling makes me stress about everything. And when I stress about everything I do nothing right. Isn't it great? I'm creating this terrible cycle for myself. (Creating, what am I talking about, I have created this terrible cycle for myself.)
I'm off to do homework and maybe work at breaking (or at least improving) my cycle of perfectionism.
(And I've developed a new taste for Kesha, I never really thought about her before, but I love her. She's so sexist and her music is poppy and angry and lust-filled. If I were a musician, I'd be like her.)
Other than that the day pretty much sucked. I cried and had the begining of a panic attack in fourth hour, skipped fifth hour (apparently, we did one of my favorite songs in it too. OF COURSE WE DID!) because of it, called my grandma and told her I was skipping fifth hour (honesty is the best policy in our house. She doesn't really care what I do, as long as she knows about it.), and went home. I was cleaning my room in a nice calm way for a while, then she came home demanding answers and making me call my therapist, Stephanie.
I'm a perfectionist (see last post) and I expect anything I try at to be perfect and I'm not talking by other people's standards, I'm talking about I want them to pass my standards, which is about fifty times more difficult. I'm getting a B in French, Econ, and Physics. I have an A in Rockband (we literally have jam sessions and insult each other all day. the end.), but that class just goes in electives anyways and doesn't do much but make an easy A to improve my GPA with. I have an E in my english class because I got behind on a few things with our RIDICULOUSLY boring book, Things Fall Apart, that I didn't read.
Now, as soon as I get my makeup work in, I'll be up to at least a B. But that's not going to keep me from freaking out. I need to have an A if I'm going to try. It's pointless to try if I'm not going to get an A in EVERYTHING.
But focusing on school the way I am makes it difficult for me to focus on modeling, which doesn't come naturally. It takes effort. I mean, I'm a pretty girl, but that doesn't mean that I'm a good model right off the bat. It takes work mastering your facial expressions and body positions. And I need to be practicing at least a half an hour a day. But I'm not. Why? Because I'm too busy stressing and calming myself down and stressing again because of my lack of straight A's.
And you know what? Stressing about modeling makes me stress about everything. And when I stress about everything I do nothing right. Isn't it great? I'm creating this terrible cycle for myself. (Creating, what am I talking about, I have created this terrible cycle for myself.)
I'm off to do homework and maybe work at breaking (or at least improving) my cycle of perfectionism.
(And I've developed a new taste for Kesha, I never really thought about her before, but I love her. She's so sexist and her music is poppy and angry and lust-filled. If I were a musician, I'd be like her.)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Of course... Of course...
I love how when you don't want to talk to anyone about anything, everyone decides they want to talk to you.
I'm involved in a youth group, which I usually love. Usually I walk out of youth group feeling amazing about myself, life, God, everything. I just feel awesome. Right now though, I feel like shit. I hate everything. I'm so self loathing. I'm wondering how my friends can stand me, how my boyfriend can tolerate kissing me, and I understand why my mom hates me.
Gotta love depression.
Nothing I do is good enough, nothing is right. Everything sucks and nobody loves me.
I know this is ridiculous.
I know that's bullshit.
I know I'm wrong.
Does that keep me from thinking it?
Oh fuck no.
Perfectionism is stupid. And I'm a perfectionist. And a control freak, which is also stupid. The idea of control is completely ridiculous. It's never going to happen, so why do I feel the need to achieve it? I don't know. It's stupid, it's ridiculous, it's impossible.
I'm involved in a youth group, which I usually love. Usually I walk out of youth group feeling amazing about myself, life, God, everything. I just feel awesome. Right now though, I feel like shit. I hate everything. I'm so self loathing. I'm wondering how my friends can stand me, how my boyfriend can tolerate kissing me, and I understand why my mom hates me.
Gotta love depression.
Nothing I do is good enough, nothing is right. Everything sucks and nobody loves me.
I know this is ridiculous.
I know that's bullshit.
I know I'm wrong.
Does that keep me from thinking it?
Oh fuck no.
Perfectionism is stupid. And I'm a perfectionist. And a control freak, which is also stupid. The idea of control is completely ridiculous. It's never going to happen, so why do I feel the need to achieve it? I don't know. It's stupid, it's ridiculous, it's impossible.
Shoplifting
My favorite thing to steal is bras. I don't know why. I'll not wear one when I go to the mall or store with the intention of stealing, and I'll go put on one that I like in the dressing room after ripping off the tags.
I remember how I started too. My boyfriend and I were in Claires and I said I liked a necklace, but we'd just spent all of our money on a movie. He goes and puts the necklace between our hands. I was in the eighth grade, and my home life sucked. The only other time I felt a rush that good was when I snuck my best friend into my bedroom because her mom had kicked her out. That's what started it. And now I could stop, but I have no interest in doing so.
Because, honestly, I love it.
There's this adrenline rush you get, the more you take the better it is, the more you want what you take, the better it is. I love it, that feeling. I'll put a hat on my head, a DVD in my purse, a bra on my chest, a tank top under my shirt, new pants in my Old Navy bag.
Even if I have money, I prefer to steal it.
I don't know why.
I just do.
And I love it.
I remember how I started too. My boyfriend and I were in Claires and I said I liked a necklace, but we'd just spent all of our money on a movie. He goes and puts the necklace between our hands. I was in the eighth grade, and my home life sucked. The only other time I felt a rush that good was when I snuck my best friend into my bedroom because her mom had kicked her out. That's what started it. And now I could stop, but I have no interest in doing so.
Because, honestly, I love it.
There's this adrenline rush you get, the more you take the better it is, the more you want what you take, the better it is. I love it, that feeling. I'll put a hat on my head, a DVD in my purse, a bra on my chest, a tank top under my shirt, new pants in my Old Navy bag.
Even if I have money, I prefer to steal it.
I don't know why.
I just do.
And I love it.
Intro?
I guess this is an intro to me and my blog, which I started because, I don't know, I'm weird like that. I like blogging and diaries and shiz, so I figured, "Hey, I stopped doing Xanga in middle school, why not do this?" I've started a few and deleted them all, but hopefully this one sticks for a while.
...maybe...
I'm 16 and I love my friends, movies, music, and all things vintage. I live with my Grandma and don't talk to my mom much, and my sisters are like my kids. I shoplift a lot cuz I'm poor and I love the rush. I have the best valley girl impression out of anyone I know, including the valley girls, and I tease pretty much everyone.
Recent Movies I've seen:
Sorority Row: Not bad! The whole idea is they kill their sorority sister and then someone (at first it's presumed to be her, not actually dead) comes back to get revenge. They die in amusing ways, and it makes you jump without actually being scary. Plus, there's not really a plot and there are half-naked beautiful people throughout.
The Grudge 3: It didn't suck, but I wouldn't see it again. Another curse is born and the cat kid and grudge girl are creepy.
"Hooker Red makes the world go round!"
...maybe...
I'm 16 and I love my friends, movies, music, and all things vintage. I live with my Grandma and don't talk to my mom much, and my sisters are like my kids. I shoplift a lot cuz I'm poor and I love the rush. I have the best valley girl impression out of anyone I know, including the valley girls, and I tease pretty much everyone.
Recent Movies I've seen:
Sorority Row: Not bad! The whole idea is they kill their sorority sister and then someone (at first it's presumed to be her, not actually dead) comes back to get revenge. They die in amusing ways, and it makes you jump without actually being scary. Plus, there's not really a plot and there are half-naked beautiful people throughout.
The Grudge 3: It didn't suck, but I wouldn't see it again. Another curse is born and the cat kid and grudge girl are creepy.
"Hooker Red makes the world go round!"
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